Opening the Doors
by SpicedGold
Summary: Four years after her parents' deaths, Elsa is finally trying to come to terms with her grief. With Anna's help, she should be able to face anything. Shouldn't she?
1. Chapter 1 - A Visit Overdue

Chapter 1 – A Visit Overdue

**Hi, here is my next fanfic . . . This one is a little darker/ angsty than my other stories, just because I've have a rather large upheaval in my life, and it's left me a little . . . Elsa-y. Chapters will get longer.**

**Story idea given to me by Batman1809, thanks!**

It had been four years.

Four years since the day Anna had knocked on Elsa's door and told her that they only had each other.

Elsa remembered. She had been sitting with her back against the door, knees drawn to her chest, and her room had been covered in white. She had listened to Anna crying. She had closed her eyes against the snowflakes falling around her. She had fallen asleep on the floor to the sound of Anna's breathing.

Now she was standing in front of her father's gravestone, hands interlaced and tense, her head down. Her eyes were dry.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

The grey stone did not answer.

"And I'm sorry I wasn't there for Anna. I am, now. I'll never leave her side again. I was just trying to do what you wanted. I just wanted to make you proud. I wanted to be like you."

The sun was setting, and the ground was slightly orange.

"It's been ten years since the last time you touched me. I wouldn't let you, because I knew I would hurt you. But look." She laid a bare hand against the smooth grey stone. It remained smooth and grey. "I can control it now. I can touch you now."

The stone seemed to change colour, and Elsa looked up. The sky was awake, sending ribbons of colour from the peak of the mountains above them. It was muted, dulled by the setting sun, but the sight was still breathtakingly beautiful.

"I'll take care of Anna. Don't worry about her. I'm here for her now." Elsa took her hand from the stone, let it fall gently to her side. "I'll be there for her for as long as she needs me."

The stars were coming out, the world was growing darker.

* * *

><p>"Where were you?" Anna asked through a mouth full of dinner, later that night. She had started eating alone, since Elsa had been mysteriously absent, and Kristoff was away for a week harvesting ice. "I couldn't find you."<p>

"Don't talk with your mouth full." Elsa slid into her seat. "And I was just taking care of something."

"You work too much."

"I know."

"What were you doing?"

Elsa fell silent for a moment, then said softly. "I was talking to Papa."

Anna fell silent as well. "Oh."

She knew what day it was, of course. How could she possibly forget? But she had spent the day keeping busy, keeping her mind occupied, keeping her thoughts anywhere but on the calendar. She stared at her plate. "That's nice."

Elsa wasn't sure of that.

There was an awkward silence; there was always an awkward silence when their parents were mentioned. They never knew what to say to each other.

Elsa stood up abruptly.

"Whoa, Elsa, what are you doing?"

"I'm sorry, I have to go." She couldn't meet Anna's eyes.

"What? You haven't eaten, where-"

Elsa didn't stay for the rest of Anna's flummoxed speech. She went as fast as her dignity would allow, upstairs and into her room. Facing Anna was still too hard. Admitting her guilt was still too hard.

Elsa had never learnt to handle grief, and it weighed her down every day. This time of year was particularly hard, because this was the time when Anna's normally upbeat attitude took a nose dive and every time Elsa saw Anna looking subdued she could hear her voice saying 'It's just you and me. What are we gonna do?' and that was too much to face.

"Elsa?" There was a knock at her door. It was Anna, of course it was, because who else would it be? "I know you're in there."

And that sent another spike of despair through Elsa's heart and she just couldn't handle all this. She hated this time of year, she hated feeling helpless. Then she realised that she hadn't answered Anna, so now she was back to shutting her sister out.

It wasn't meant to be like this. This was the first year that the gates had been open. This was the first year that Elsa's heart was open. And she was still screwing everything up.

"I'm opening the door, Elsa."

Elsa jumped forward to avoid being squished. She just stared as Anna came inside and closed the door.

Anna went over to Elsa's bed, sat down and looked at her sister. She didn't seem angry. She just seemed . . . patient.

Elsa was still standing in the middle of her room, now she pressed her fingers together nervously.

"Elsa, I know you're upset."

"I'm fine."

"You're not. You're doing the thing again."

"What thing?"

"The 'conceal, don't feel' thing. Come on, do you think I can't recognise it after all these years?"

Elsa stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry if I upset you. I miss them, too." Anna looked calm and inviting, and Elsa edged towards her. "But . . . why _are_ you so upset?"

"You got to hug them good bye."

That floored Anna, she clenched her jaw shut. Elsa edged a bit closer, then hesitated. She was leaning ever so slightly towards Anna, wanting contact, but she still wasn't confident initiating it. Anna did it for her, standing up suddenly and putting her arms around her sister.

"I miss them," Elsa whispered into Anna's shoulder_. I need them. Because on my own . . . I'm not enough . . ._

"So do I."

"Everything changed except for me."

"Huh?"

"The gates are open. The kingdom is different. You are different; you're older and wiser and much happier. But I'm still . . . just . . . me. Just a scared little girl, who doesn't know how to handle anything. I'm the only one who hasn't changed for the better."

"Yes you have." Anna said. "Last year we couldn't do this." She tightened her hug. "Last year we wouldn't even be having this conversation. Last year we didn't have each other. The gates are open, and so are your doors."

**Thank you for reading.**

**Updates to this story will be sporadic, but should be every few days at least.**

**SpicedGold**


	2. Chapter 2 - Shutting You Out

Chapter 2 – Shutting You Out

Anna was sitting at her window watching the city below her when she saw Kristoff and Sven come bumping into Arendelle with the sled. She smiled and jumped to her feet, delighted that he was back.

She missed him when he was away.

She ran downstairs to greet him, knowing that he would always come straight to the castle to see her. She burst into the sunlight ready to leap into his arms-

And stopped dead at the expression on his face.

Kristoff had something in his arms, bundled up in his coat, and his hair was a tangled mess. There was dirt on his cheek, Anna could see blood on his sleeve, and he looked very, very unhappy.

"What happened?" she asked. "Are you okay? Why's there so much blood?"

"Most if it isn't mine." It was not the most reassuring greeting ever.

"Most of it?" Anna repeated.

Kristoff eased out of the sled, still holding the mysterious bundle on his arms. "Uh, there's a funny story behind this."

Anna crept closer, suddenly curious.

"I don't often go to the West Lake, because there're a lot of wolves around there."

Sven snorted and nodded.

Anna didn't like where this story was going.

"But there's a lot of ice. Um. I saved him." Kristoff pulled a corner of his coat back, and revealed a fuzzy brown head of fur and huge, moist eyes.

"Is that a baby reindeer?" Anna breathed. "He's so cute."

"He's quite badly injured, though."

Anna was too enchanted by the big, frightened eyes looking at her to even hear what Kristoff was saying. She reached out a hand, hesitantly, wanting to touch.

"Anna? Can you focus, please? Is it okay if he stays here?"

"Hm?" Anna looked up, at Kristoff's worried eyes and messy hair.

"He needs somewhere safe to stay. Can he stay here?"

"Of course he can." Anna's fingers touched the top of the calf's head. It was soft, but bony at the same time, and so warm. "What do you need?"

"Well, to get him cleaned up for a start." Kristoff glanced at Sven. "Can you get Sven unharnessed, and then come to stables to help me?"

"Sure." Anna drew her hand back reluctantly. She turned to Sven. "Hey. How're things?"

The reindeer raised his eyebrows at her.

Once Sven was sorted, Anna trotted into the stables to find Kristoff untangling his precious cargo into the straw. The little reindeer was tiny, just a knot of long limbs with an oversized head. His coat was rumpled and matted with blood.

"Poor little thing," Anna said, sitting in the straw next to him. She laid a hand on his body while Kristoff rummaged around, trying to find everything he needed. "He's so warm."

"Probably has a fever." Kristoff grunted from the other end of the stables.

"What's his name?"

"He doesn't have one yet."

"Are you going to keep him? Is he hungry?"

Kristoff sounded exasperated. "He probably is hungry, but I'd like to see how badly he's injured first."

"I'll get him some milk." Anna hopped up. "Is cow's milk okay?"

"Goat's milk is better."

"Got it." Anna skipped out of the stables. The staff were used to her doing strange things, so no one questioned when she bounced into the kitchens and asked for a bottle of goat's milk.

The head chef did raise an eyebrow, though. "May I ask what sort of animal you are feeding, Princess?"

"A reindeer," Anna grinned. "He's a very little baby."

"I see. Shall I make sure we have an adequate supply of milk, then?"

"Yes, please." Anna bounced from the kitchen with the milk, holding it in both hands and close to her chest to keep it warm. When she got back to the stables, Kristoff was gently wiping dried blood off the calf.

He looked very small and forlorn, shivering in the straw.

"Here," Anna said, holding the bottle towards Kristoff.

He shook his head. "Keep it. I'll need to hold him up." He lifted the calf onto its feet, keeping his arms under its belly for support. "Squirt a bit onto his lips, he should get the idea."

Anna hesitantly dribbled a bit of milk onto the reindeer's mouth. The calf licked, then started nosing at the teat. To Anna's delight, he latched on easily, and began sucking, nearly jerking the bottle from her hands.

She kept hold of it, watching him drink. "He's so cute! Are you going to keep him?"

Kristoff looked slightly uncomfortable at the question. "Uh, I kinda need to speak to your sister about that."

"Why?"

"I know she doesn't mind Sven spending the occasional night here, but this little guy might need to stay for a few weeks. Maybe months."

Anna was too busy smiling to notice Kristoff's unease. "So?"

"So, he's a wild animal. Elsa might not want him in here with her . . . fancy horses."

Anna finally looked up, glancing around the stable. A few horses were watching curiously. "Why not? He doesn't have any diseases, does he?"

"Most likely not," Kristoff said. "But still . . . look, I just have to ask her. It's the right thing."

"Does that mean you'll stay here, too?" This appealed to Anna even more than cute little baby reindeers. Kristoff had a small house in Arendelle, which he used very rarely, since he spent most of his time on the mountains. Elsa had straight out refused to let him stay in the castle, and the deeper his connection with Anna went the more she seemed to stick to the notion.

If Kristoff's reindeer was here, odds are he would stay with it, and then he would be near Anna every single day. The thought was very exciting.

"I'll talk to Elsa," Anna said, watching the level of milk in the bottle rapidly diminish. "She's in her study at the moment."

The bottle was empty.

"You stay with him," Anna said, very unnecessarily, because Kristoff hadn't yet finished checking the calf for injuries. "I'll be right back."

She ran back into the castle, skipping up the stairs to find Elsa. She was so enthusiastic in her errand that she didn't even knock (the door was ajar, which pretty much meant 'barge in unannounced') and just jumped into the study. "Elsa!"

Then she stopped, because Elsa was not working as she was meant to be. She was sitting with her feet up on the edge of her seat, knees to her chest, a thin book open on the desk, looking very sad.

"You okay?" Anna approached slowly. "Elsa?"

Elsa finally looked up at her. "Oh. Hi, Anna."

"What are you doing?"

Elsa sniffed and wiped a hand absently over her eyes. "I was just looking through some things. Found this book on the book shelf."

Anna peered on the desk. "Is that . . . is that 'Hansel and Gretel'?"

"Yes." Elsa paused. "Mama used to read it to us."

"I remember that." Anna came a little closer, the air around Elsa was cold. "How did you find it?"

Elsa shrugged, but didn't say anything.

"Okay," Anna said slowly. Elsa seemed a little down, and Anna knew why. But bringing it up might very well make things worse. "Uh, so, Kristoff has a question. Can he keep a baby reindeer here, for a few weeks?"

Elsa turned a page in the story, running her fingers gently over the illustration. Her hand lingered over a damp stain on one of the pages. She spoke softly, "Do you remember how this happened?"

Anna shook her head. "No."

"Mama was reading to us at night. She reached this part – it was always used to scare me. She made a scary voice and I got such a fright I froze the page." Elsa smiled sadly. "You laughed. Nothing frightened you."

Anna nodded, and tried to steer the conversation back on course, away from Elsa's brooding. "About the reindeer?"

Elsa sighed. "Do whatever, Anna. I don't mind."

"Are you alright? You seem a bit . . . off?" Anna edged a little closer. The chill made the hair on her arms stand on edge, she rubbed her arms absently. She started to lean down to give Elsa a reassuring hug, but to her surprise Elsa slipped out of her chair and started walking away, to the other side of the study.

Anna tried not to be hurt, but she'd be lying if she said her heart didn't pang. Elsa hadn't shied away from a hug – or any contact – since her coronation. The familiar feeling of being shut out was taking hold of her again, and she stared at the book on the desk. Surely Elsa wouldn't go back to the way things were before? "Elsa?"

Anna hated how her voice suddenly sounded small again, how she felt like a child being scolded for doing something, and, as usual, she had no idea what it was that she had done. All she knew was that Elsa didn't want to touch her.

Elsa kept her eyes on the book shelf, but Anna could see her shoulders hunching slightly, her arms folded against her stomach. "Kristoff can keep his reindeer here as long as he needs to. I need to get back to work."

"Oh. Okay." Anna said. She was being dismissed. She was being thrown out. She glanced at the study door. It was still open. Then she looked at Elsa.

Elsa was not.

Anna went back to the stables in a much more subdued manner. Kristoff had cleaned up the calf by now, and was checking over his injuries.

"Those wolves had a go at tearing him apart," Kristoff said. "But I'll fix him up."

His words made Anna smile.

"I'm going to spend tonight with him."

"Can I stay with you?" Anna asked impulsively.

"Really?" Kristoff asked. "Uh, won't Elsa mind? You, me, all alone, all night?"

"Who cares what she thinks." Anna pouted, staring at the sleeping reindeer.

"Whoa," Kristoff said. "I sense there is something wrong. Did you and Elsa have a fight?"

"How would I know? She never talks to me," Anna grumbled. "She never talks to anyone. Heck, she won't even tell me _why_ she won't tell me anything."

"Calm down, feisty pants," Kristoff said. "What happened?"

"Ugh," Anna flopped down onto the straw, arms crossed. "Yesterday was the anniversary of our parents' deaths. I know it's a hard time of year, and I'm sad too, but Elsa's reverting back to her larval form and shutting me out."

"Maybe that's because you get a bit snippy whenever she's trying to deal with things."

"She _walked away_ when I tried to hug her."

Kristoff cleared his throat softly. This was a bit out of his area of expertise. "Maybe she just needs some time alone."

"I think she's had enough of that." Anna muttered darkly. She sat in a grumpy silence, then said, "I'll talk to her tomorrow. If she even opens her door."

Anna glared at the stable door. Things were meant to be different this year.

But they weren't.

**I have no idea if Hansel and Gretel was around at this time . . . History is not my forte. But all the childhood stories that scared me were more modern. Thanks for reading.**

**SpicedGold**


	3. Chapter 3 - Beyond Closed Doors

Chapter 3 – Beyond Closed Doors

**Hey guys. Been a bad week for me, so . . . have some angst :-)**

Four years and one day.

Elsa sat on her bed in the darkness, watching the clock ticking its way past midnight. She was alone again. She didn't want to be alone. But years of habit were hard to break.

This was not the first night she had spent sitting up and wishing she could leave her room and go somewhere – to Anna, to her parents, _anywhere_.

And while her mind was telling her she could, her body stayed put. There had been many nights like this in the past. Sometimes she had found herself outside Anna's door, in the dead of night. Her heart would pound with the taboo of it, she would shake in absolute terror, until, hand poised to knock, her father's words would overpower her.

_Be the good girl you always have to be._

And she would slink back to her room, back to being alone, back to the closed door.

Now, Elsa stood up, swinging her bare feet onto the carpet. She waited like that, torn between staying put and stepping out into the dark hall way. Then she took a deep breath, and walked across her room and opened the door.

She was indecisive then; it had felt like such a huge step to just leave her room. She was supposed it was because she was thinking of her parents, and leaving felt like betrayal.

_It's fine_, she told herself. _You can go anywhere you want, whenever you want to._

Her body started walking without her command, and she just watched the dark passages of the castle gliding past her. She found herself at her parents' room, standing in front of the closed door. Her heart was pounding so loudly she was surprised no one had woken.

She hadn't been inside since they died. She knew Anna had, because Anna had told her about it, the day after the funeral. Elsa had wanted to help her. She knew how hard it was for Anna, sorting through their things all alone. But her powers had been so out of control that she had stayed in her room for two weeks.

Guilt gnawed at her, she rested one hand against the wood. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I couldn't be there for Anna, and I should have been. She shouldn't have had to do this alone."

Frost crawled out from her hand, snaking across the wood, and Elsa drew in a sharp breath. A thousand thoughts and feelings hammered through her. She wasn't in control. She was _never_ going to be in control. Yesterday she had touched her father's grave without incident, today she was freezing the door. Each day was an on-going battle with herself, her powers, her thoughts.

And she was losing.

The frost increased.

"Stop it," she murmured, the door blurring as her eyes filled with tears. "_Stop_ it!"

She pressed her hand harder against the door, pressing her will into the gesture, but the frost grew even more. She couldn't conceal it. She couldn't control it.

Elsa turned her back to the door and slid down it, onto the floor. She wouldn't cry when anyone could see her. She wouldn't break down into sobs and look like a child. She had spent years concealing what she was feeling and she wasn't going to give it all up now.

But there was no one around. No one would see her. And the sadness and guilt was rising up inside her, on a wave of bile, and she could cry as much as she liked because she was all alone.

She buried her face in her knees, gulped once, and then the tears started. _I'm sorry, Papa. I want you to be proud of me but I keep getting everything wrong._ She wanted someone to hold her. She wanted someone to put a hand on her shoulder and just stay with her.

When her sobs finally ran dry and her eyes were sore and puffy, she picked herself up and stood indecisively. She didn't want to go back to her room. Perhaps this would be the day she actually knocked on Anna's door.

A flicker of lightness danced across her heart, and Elsa found herself moving eagerly towards Anna's room. She had made the journey dozens of times, nearly always in the dark. Since she was eight years old, she had snuck to Anna's door in the dead of night and held a hand up ready to knock.

But she never did.

Now, her heart was pounding with a different emotion, less melancholy and more hopeful. Before she could lose her nerve, she hammered on Anna's door, the decisive action surprising even to her.

Then she waited, the anticipation still bubbling. And she knocked again, a bit louder, because she knew Anna was a heavy sleeper.

And again, because she was obviously sleeping very soundly.

And once more, because Anna might think she was dreaming and ignore the knocking.

Then she paused, the elation evaporating, as nothing but silence greeted her. Surely Anna had heard all that? Elsa had knocked enough to wake the dead. She raised her hand once more, but there was less power in her knock. Less anticipation. Less happiness.

Anna _must_ have heard.

She must have heard, and chosen to ignore her. The realization hit Elsa like a ton of bricks. Why _should_ Anna answer? What had Elsa ever done to deserve an answer, in the middle of the night?

She reached for the door handle, but before she had even touched it a layer of frost sprang against the brass, and Elsa drew both hands to her chest. They were safe there. She couldn't hurt anyone from behind a door.

She went back to her own room.

* * *

><p>Anna was sleeping in the stables. She had started the night snuggled against Kristoff's back, who, she discovered, slept like a log. He hadn't moved all night. She, on the other hand, had managed to somehow get onto Kristoff's other side (there had to be an explanation for that <em>other<em> than she climbed over him in her sleep) and woke up when she bumped her head into the tangle of limbs of the sleeping reindeer calf.

She sat up, a bit bewildered and disoriented for a moment, until she remembered where she was.

A grumpy snort drew her attention to Sven. He was standing up, watching them from a distance.

"Sorry if I woke you," Anna whispered.

Sven grunted again, then turned his back to her.

Anna shrugged off his dismissal, and turned her attention to the calf. He was awake now, blinking at her. "Hi," she said, stroking his neck. He was still hot; he nosed at her hand. "Are you hungry?"

A rough pink tongue came out to lick her palm, and Anna giggled.

"I'll get you some milk." She said, getting up off the straw. It didn't take her long to harass the chef on duty at night to warm up some milk, and she was back in a few minutes to an eager calf. She couldn't help the demented grin on her face as he suckled; he was just the cutest thing ever.

When the calf finished, Anna snuggled up next to him, one arm around his bony body, and they both drifted back to sleep.

* * *

><p>Elsa was not at breakfast the next morning.<p>

Anna had flounced in full of news of the reindeer calf (Kristoff was pleased that it had made it through the night) only to find her sister's seat empty. That was concerning, because Elsa was never late.

Anna's cheerful mood took a nosedive. She hoped Elsa hadn't been moping all night. It occurred to Anna that this was the first year she had seen Elsa properly since their parents' death. She didn't know how Elsa usually handled it.

Although, knowing Elsa, the answer was probably 'not very well'.

Anna skipped breakfast, it was more important to find Elsa. She didn't know what time it was, but she knew by now that Elsa liked to hide behind things to conceal what she was feeling. She couldn't hide behind her own bedroom door, because that would be too obvious and would give away her emotional unrest.

Anna went to Elsa's study, and sure enough, the Queen was there, hidden behind a stack of paperwork. "Elsa?"

Elsa did not look up, but Anna noticed her press her lips together a bit harder, saw the tendons in her neck tighten.

"I'm worried about you," Anna said, and she found herself twiddling the tips of her fingers together, because Elsa was anything but welcoming and it set Anna on edge.

"I'm fine." Elsa did not look up from her work.

"No, you're not. You've been like this for a few days now, and it's not you."

"Been like what?"

"Closed off. Depressed. Apathetic." Anna was pleased with her list of synonyms.

"I've been busy," Elsa said mildly, still working.

"You've been brooding," Anna corrected. "Do you do this every year?"

That caught Elsa's attention, and she looked up, meeting Anna's gaze.

"Do you get like this every year?" Anna asked again.

Elsa's eyes went from Anna to the door, they lingered there a moment too long and some emotion crossed her face that Anna couldn't quite pinpoint. Then Elsa was looking at her again, saying softly, "I know you do."

"I _talk_ about it," Anna said. "I talk to people about what I'm feeling. I face up to it. You're just trying to pretend it doesn't exist."

"I'm very busy," Elsa said, sounded irritated. "So unless you're here for a reason-"

"I am." Anna grabbed Elsa's wrist before she could draw away. "Come with me."

"I really don't have time for this," Elsa protested half-heartedly, but she had to get up and follow Anna to prevent her arm being torn from its socket. "Where are you taking me?"

Anna remained stubbornly silent, leading Elsa around corners and up stairs until she stopped in front of a door and finally let go of Elsa's wrist.

It was their parents' room.

"What are we doing here?" Elsa tried to sound annoyed, but there was a worriedness in her voice.

"Have you been inside?" Anna asked.

Elsa blinked at her.

"Since they died? Have you been inside their room?"

"I've barely been out of mine." There was a bite behind her words, but the sadness was still prevalent.

"You haven't been inside, because you haven't been able to. Open the door." Anna stepped aside.

Elsa didn't move.

"Open the door," Anna repeated.

"Why? What difference will it make? Even if I open the door, there will be no one behind it."

"It's symbolic," Anna said, slightly haughtily. She looked expectantly at Elsa. "Go on. Open it."

"I can't," Elsa said. She drew both hands towards her chest nervously. "I just can't. Please don't push this, Anna."

Anna's optimism deflated. "You didn't even try."

"I did!" Elsa surprised herself by almost shouting. "I did last night and you didn't open the door!"

A small, shocked silence descended over both of them, while Anna remained stupefied and confused, and Elsa covered her mouth with one hand. A heartbeat later, and Elsa tried to turn away.

"No," Anna grabbed her arm, halting her. "Don't you dare run from me! What do you mean 'I didn't open the door'?"

"Last night." Elsa sounded defeated. "You didn't answer last night_." I reached out for you, I needed you, and I shouldn't, because I'm older and I'm the queen but I needed you . . ._

"I wasn't in my room last night." Anna didn't let go of Elsa, she was afraid her sister would run. "I was in the stables with the baby reindeer."

That should have taken a weight off Elsa's shoulders; it should have made her feel lighter with the knowledge that her sister had not shut her out. But instead she felt the weight settle in her stomach, her knees almost buckled.

Anna searched her face for clues, for any indication of what she was thinking. "I would never ignore you." She didn't know if it was the right thing to say or not, but she had to say something.

Elsa's chest heaved, she wanted to be alone, because she knew she was about to break down and she didn't want Anna to see it. She tugged at her arm, trying to break free, but Anna's hold was absolute. She turned her head away instead, childishly hoping that if she couldn't see Anna, maybe Anna wouldn't see the tears threatening to spill over. She squeezed her eyes shut.

Anna stepped closer, Elsa knew what was coming, she tried to back away. But she backed into the door, found herself trapped, and a startled gasp escaped her.

"Don't run from me." Anna sounded small. She put her arms around Elsa, holding gently. It had to be gentle, because Elsa was fragile and easily broken.

Elsa's breath caught in her throat, she was trapped and visible. She wanted to hide, behind something, but there was nothing there but Anna. Then Anna put her arms around her, holding softly and warmly, and Elsa felt a crack appear in her façade.

Then the world shattered, and she grabbed onto Anna fiercely, hiding her face in her sister's shoulder. Her tears came fast. She knew Anna was murmuring something but she couldn't make out the words.

_I'm so sorry, Papa, I can't be strong all the time. I can't conceal it, I can't not feel._ She sniffed hard, trying to quell the sobs.

"Don't," Anna said. "Don't try to hold it back. Please, Elsa, you'll feel better, just let it go."

Elsa did.

She cried until her eyes were dry and sore, and her throat was raw from sobbing. She cried until Anna's sleeve was beyond damp, until she didn't have the breath left for it. And through it all, Anna just held her and waited, and stroked her hair. When Elsa detached herself from Anna's shoulder, she was shocked to find Anna's face streaked with tears as well.

"I miss them every day," Anna said, her words made Elsa feel better, because this was normal. It was okay to feel this way. "But more so at this time of year. And that's okay."

Elsa swallowed hard.

"But you can't let that grief control you. And you can't let it take over." Anna wiped her cheeks dry. "Elsa, you've got so much to bear, and you can't do it all alone. Let me help you."

Elsa said nothing.

"I want to help. Papa didn't run this country alone, and neither should you."

"Okay," Elsa said softly, barely a whisper. "Okay."

"Good." Anna looked relieved. "I've just got to check on Kristoff, then we are going to do your work, and I'm going to help you."

Elsa nodded; and it didn't feel like defeat.

* * *

><p>Kristoff's face was grim, he was holding the calf up with one hand and holding the bottle of milk aloft with the other.<p>

"Is he okay?" Anna skipped a greeting, because Kristoff looked so worried.

"His fever is getting worse." Kristoff said. "I don't know if he'll make it. I've got to keep him drinking."

The calf let go of the bottle, his head dropped disinterestedly.

"Let me help." Anna took the bottle from Kristoff, and he was able to lift the calf's head so Anna could force the teat into his mouth again. "Is he really sick?"

"Yes." Kristoff's fingers rubbed gently at the calf's throat.

A sound alerted them both. Sven was standing in the doorway, looking disgruntled.

"Not now," Kristoff said dismissively.

Sven huffed, and lowered his head.

"Later," Kristoff snapped. "Can't you see I'm trying to help him?"

Sven turned away from them, kicking out with a hind leg. He narrowly avoided walloping Kristoff in the backside.

"Hey," Kristoff shouted. "Don't do that!"

Sven made an obscene noise and trotted outside.

"What's his problem?" Anna asked.

"Probably jealous."

"I'll spend some time with him," Anna volunteered. "If you're busy."

"Thanks, but he's just being an arse. He'll be fine."

"Are you sure? I don't mind. I'd like to help."

"I need help _here_." The calf finished drinking, and Kristoff laid him gently on the straw. "Sven is fine."

"You need to give this one a name," Anna said, sitting next to the reindeer and stroking his bony head. He was still warm, too warm, and Anna wondered if Elsa might come and see him. "Can I name him?"

"Whatever." Kristoff wasn't interested in names, he was too busy checking the calf's wounds to make sure none were infected and adding to his illness. Anna was still sitting there when he finished. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"No." Anna pulled lightly at the calf's ears. "I can stay."

"Can you hold him, then, while I clean this wound? It's probably going to hurt and he might squirm."

"Yes," Anna said eagerly.

Kristoff showed her how to hold the calf steady, her arms wrapped around his body. "Now, hold him tight. He might be small but if he kicks me in the head I might get knocked out."

"I got him." Anna said firmly, increasing her hold on the calf. She was more likely to suffocate it than anything else, but luckily Kristoff was a fast worker. The calf did squirm, but Anna held him securely, and Kristoff did not get concussed.

"Thanks," he said, when he was finished. "I've got to take Sven out for a bit, we've got some work to do. Can you come and give him some more milk in about an hour?"

"Yes." Anna said, nodding.

"I'll be back by lunch." Kristoff said, rising to his feet and going to find his disgruntled reindeer.

Anna went back into the castle, and found Elsa exactly where she was meant to be, in her study, working. "Hey."

Elsa didn't look up. "Hi."

"Sooo . . . How can I help?"

"You don't have to. It's just boring stuff I've got today."

"You need help," Anna insisted. "I know you don't want to admit it, but you do. Tell me what you need. Please."

Elsa sighed. "Okay. I've got this really confusing report on some sort of law . . . I can barely understand it, can you find the book on Arendelle's laws? It's somewhere on that book shelf." She indicated rather vaguely to the wall nearest the window.

"Okay," Anna was pleased that Elsa was allowing her to help.

The book shelf was dusty. Obviously these books were not well used. It looked as though they hadn't been used in years. Anna sat down at in front of the bottom shelf, running her finger along the spines of the books and reading titles quietly to herself.

She spoke after a while, unused to silence. "Hey, Elsa?"

"Hm?"

"What did you and Papa talk about?" Anna could feel Elsa's eyes on the back of her head, but she didn't turn around to meet them. "You said you visited his grave. What did you say?"

Elsa cleared her throat softly. "I said I would be here for you, now, since I couldn't be there for him."

"You are here for me."

"No. You've been here for _me_. You've been the one comforting me, and dealing with my issues. I'm the older sister, I should be the one-"

"Hey," Anna interrupted. "No one's keeping score here. I don't care how many times I have to jump in front of swords for you, or hold you while you bawl about Mama, or sit outside your door because you won't open it. I'll always do that for you. Being sisters isn't about whose winning."

Anna turned around on the floor, finally looking at Elsa. "I told you that I would be right here for you."

"I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for you . . ." There was so much more behind that sentence than Anna could see.

"Hey, here's how I see it. If I'm here for you . . . you have to be nearby, and that means you'll be here for me. Even if you don't know it yet."

For the first time in days, a smile cracked Elsa's face. "Thank you, Anna."

"You know," Anna turned back to her shelf. "When I'm spending too much time in my head, I like to do something . . . different. I think you need to do that."

"Do what?"

"You've spent every year in your room, trying not feel. This year, it can be different. Let's make it different."

"How?" Elsa sounded guarded.

"I don't know yet. By doing something we haven't done. I found the book, _oh_!"

"What?" Elsa turned her full attention to Anna.

"Look what was between the books!" Anna carefully picked a piece of paper off the cover of the law book. It was yellow and dusty, but Elsa could very faintly smell lavender. Anna held the paper aloft. "I pressed these flowers when I was, like, ten, and could never remember where! They were in here; Papa must have moved them from wherever I left them."

Elsa smiled wanly. "That's great, Anna."

"I wonder what else is in here?" Anna mused. "We both spent a lot of time in here as kids, who knows what could be hiding in these shelves?"

Elsa turned back to her work.

"Can we look through everything later? Think of it as a fun, sisterly bonding activity."

"Anna."

"Yup?"

"I've got a lot of work to do. You can go."

"But I'm helping."

"It's alright. I've got it under control." It sounded like a dismissal, and even Anna wasn't dumb enough to miss it.

She stood up slowly. "Oh, okay. I'll go." She hesitated. _I want to be needed, I want to help you. Please don't shut me out again._ "I'll see you at dinner?"

She tried not to make it sound like a question, but Elsa was unpredictable and Anna was afraid she would retreat into herself again. This was the time of year that Anna couldn't bear to be alone, and this was the time of year that Elsa most wanted to be alone.

Anna paused in the doorway, looking back over her shoulder, waiting. She was waiting for Elsa to tell her to stay. To tell her not to go. To tell her she needed her there. To tell her anything but 'go away, Anna'.

But Elsa remained silent.

That hurt more.

* * *

><p>"What am I supposed to do?" Anna complained, holding the baby reindeer in a death grip while Kristoff saw to the wound on its leg. "I'm useless."<p>

"You make an excellent vice."

"Kristoff! That's not what I meant. I'm trying to help Elsa, and be useful and actually do something. She's just like 'I got this'. Well, she _doesn't_!"

"Uh-huh."

"Ugh, she's always so closed off, what am I supposed to do?"

"Have you tried not going on and on all the time? Maybe Elsa would appreciate some silence." He looked up, found Anna's eyes cold on his. "Or not."

"It's not about that. She won't take my help." _It's like I'm not important to her_. The thought was too private to say out loud. So was the one that followed; _maybe she shut me out all those years because she wanted to . . ._

"Elsa doesn't know how to ask for help," Kristoff pointed out. "You can let the calf go now."

"Bae."

"What?"

"His name is Bae."

"Uh, you named him?"

"I told you he needed a name. His name is Bae." Anna looked supremely satisfied with herself.

"Alright," Kristoff said. "I'm okay with that."

"But back to the problem at hand . . . Does Elsa really need me?"

"Of course she does. You're her sister."

"Yeah, but I don't actually do anything. And she did fine without me for years."

"Fine?" Here, Kristoff felt the need to intervene. "She wasn't fine. Or she certainly isn't now. She's a wreck."

"But she won't talk to me," Anna protested. "Everything was going fine until two days ago. I know it's because she's thinking of our parents, but she won't share any of the hurt. And you know what? That hurts me."

"Have you told her all this?" Kristoff asked.

Anna looked startled. "Huh? No. Why?"

"Maybe you should."

Anna considered that, her hands gently soothing the reindeer's discomfort. She supposed she hadn't really come at Elsa from that angle before, she had never explained how _she_ felt, always demanded how Elsa felt. _Why do shut me out? Why do you shut the world out?_

Maybe, because Elsa was afraid of what lay beyond open doors.

**In the original version of the Snow Queen (at least the one I read) the reindeer that carried Gerda was named Bae, so that's where Anna's name for the calf comes from.**

**SpicedGold**


	4. Chapter 4 - Downward Spiral

Chapter 4 – Downward Spiral

Four years, two days.

She could hear the clock chiming midnight, she could see the starry sky out of the window. She could feel the wood of her parent's door against her back.

Elsa didn't know how long she had been sitting there, occasionally biting anxiously on a nail, freezing and unfreezing things in her unease. It was easier to open doors at night, because what lay beyond them was always tamer. It was easier to do most things at night, because mistakes were half hidden in the darkness.

The dark was a good hiding place, the dark concealed things.

Elsa had to get up eventually. She couldn't sit there all night. It took a massive amount of willpower to rise to her feet; she felt as though she had frozen herself to the floor. She faced the door, she didn't touch it. If she touched it now, it would freeze over and she would lose her nerve.

So she waited, just her and the darkness, until the sound of her heart hammering had faded away. Then she gripped the door handle, moving swiftly, because if she drew this out she would never do it, and pushed the door open.

It creaked slightly, and opened to reveal a room just as dark as the corners of Elsa's mind. She stood in the doorway, not moving. The carpet beneath her was white, and it hadn't been a few seconds ago. She took a tentative step inside, the air was warm and thick, it felt like arms wrapping around her.

_Papa_. She smiled slightly, through the feeling of sick anticipation. She hated the fact that she felt closest to her family behind closed doors. She needed to change that. But she had no idea how. She kept walking until she was in the centre of the room.

How many years had it been since she was in here?

"Elsa?"

Elsa did not turn around. She didn't need to. She knew exactly who that tentative voice belonged to.

"Why aren't you asleep?"

"Why aren't you?"

Anna was rubbing at her eyes. "I woke up. I went to your room, but you weren't there." She sounded smaller in the dark; Anna needed the sunlight to show off who she was.

Elsa was content in the darkness, but Anna belonged in the light.

"You opened the door." There was a trace of marvel in Anna's voice, a belief that perhaps Elsa was trying to move forward through her own issues. They were side by side now, and Anna wished they could be like this in the daylight. They were closer when the lights were off; Elsa was uncertain and secretive when the sun was awake.

"We haven't been in this room together for over ten years." Elsa spoke softly.

"I know." Anna put am arm around Elsa, tentatively. Elsa did not pull away; Anna felt a hot surge of love in her chest. "See how much has changed? For the better?"

Elsa swallowed; the moonlight betrayed the tears brimming in her eyes.

"Let's go back to bed," Anna suggested. She wanted Elsa out of here before she flipped and burst into tears, because if Elsa only found sadness and regret in this room, she would never come back. Anna tugged slightly at her sister, trying to get her to move.

"Who's bed?"

"Mine." Anna's grin was visible even in the dark. "Like you wanted to last night."

Elsa let herself be led out of the room. She looked back at the door, there was something unreadable in her expression.

Anna waited; she wondered if Elsa would close the door again.

Elsa shook her head, almost imperceptibly. "Can . . . can you shut it?"

"Sure." Anna didn't question why. She reached out, closed the door softly behind them.

Elsa provided an explanation of her own accord, keeping her eyes on the floor as they walked to Anna's room. "I've closed enough doors."

* * *

><p>Anna fully expected to wake up with Elsa at her side. But when she finally roused herself in the morning, she was alone in her bed. She bolted upright, wide awake now. It didn't look that light outside, it must still be early.<p>

Anna stumbled out of bed, she wondered if she had woken because Elsa had left. And if she had left, why? What could she possibly be doing at this hour?

Anna, by some strange instinct, did not go to Elsa's room. She felt it would be empty. But their parents' room; the door was ajar, there was a light on inside. Anna peered around the door, and even though she knew Elsa was inside, it was still a surprise to see her there.

Elsa was sitting cross legged on the bed, head bowed, looking into an ornately decorated box. She did not look up when Anna entered, but Anna noticed the smile that tugged at her lips.

Elsa spoke first. "I found Mama's letters."

Anna came to the bed. "What letters?"

"Letters she wrote to her sister. She kept copies." The air around Elsa was not frigid for once, and Anna crept up next to her. They sat side by side, with Anna watching as Elsa carefully peeled back each letter to reveal the one underneath.

Anna was tired; the night had not been restful. She lay back, arranging herself more comfortably with her head on the huge, fluffy pillows and her body sprawled down the length of the bed next to Elsa. "Read them to me."

There was a feeling of ice, just a fleeting glimpse of Elsa's sudden trepidation, then just as suddenly she had herself under control. There was a sense of déjà vu to this; the queen reading to the princess as they lay together in this room.

Elsa wanted to be a princess again.

She took the first letter, cleared her throat nervously, and started reading_. "My dearest sister."_

Anna smiled, her eyes closed.

"_Our second child is a girl."_ Elsa took a minute to check the date at the top of the page. "Oh. This is your birthday."

"Keep reading."

"Um . . . _We have named her Anna, and she has the most hair I have ever seen on a new born baby. It is always out of control, and sticking out at strange angles."_ Elsa smiled. "Not much has changed, then."

Anna snorted.

"_Elsa loves her little sister. She spends as much time with her as she can . . ."_ Elsa trailed off. When started speaking again there was a tremor in her voice that Anna pretended not to hear. _"I've never seen her so happy . . ."_

A long silence followed. Anna cracked an eye open to see why Elsa had stopped reading. The queen was clearly reading quietly, Anna could see her eyes tracking back and forth, bright and shining. She was probably lost in 'before'.

Anna waited for a few minutes, wondering if Elsa would keep reading aloud, but nothing but silence greeted her. "Uh . . . Elsa?"

To her surprise, Elsa put the letter neatly back in the box, closed it carefully, and half turned to face Anna. She worried her lower lip between her teeth, clearly wrestling with a decision. Anna made it for her.

"Come here," she opened her arms, because Elsa needed contact and comfort and she would never seek it out on her own.

Elsa practically dived into Anna's waiting embrace, snuggling into her side and the pillows around them. She wanted to do that on the day of the funeral, and she couldn't. She wanted to hold onto Anna and tell her everything would be alright. She wanted to tell her that they could face this together.

But it had been Anna who did all that, and said all that, and that made Elsa's chest tighten because the very first role she had ever had to play was 'older sister' and she had been failing at that for almost her entire life.

"I should be the one taking care of you," she murmured, closing her eyes so she wouldn't see herself failing again. She was a disappointment to everyone.

"Remember what I told you? We can fix this hand in hand, together. I will be right here." Anna's grip around her sister tightened. "I _want_ to be right here. I don't care if you think you're doing everything wrong, because you're not. Since the open gates . . . you've been doing everything right for me."

Elsa heard Anna, she really did. But all her mind would say in reply is, _that's just not enough._

* * *

><p>"Is Bae any better?" Anna had to speak over Sven, because the reindeer was grumpily blocking the door and scratching his antlers against the wooden walls. She couldn't get past him.<p>

"No." Kristoff was sitting with the baby reindeer is his arms, propped against a wall of the stable. "I don't know if he's going to make it."

"But he has to!" Anna sounded desperate. She had had enough death, she couldn't handle any more. "He _has_ to get better."

"I'm doing what I can," Kristoff said reasonably.

"What do you need? I can get him anything, I'm a princess, it doesn't matter what it is, just don't let him die."

"Whoa," Kristoff said. "Calm down, you seem really upset about this."

"Don't let him die," Anna repeated, and now Kristoff could see her eyes shining with tears.

"I can't control whether he lives or dies," Kristoff said, his voice was soothing but his words were not. "But I do think that you're getting a little over excited about this. Is there something else going on that you want to talk about?"

"I just don't want anyone else to die," Anna said. It was a childish plea, one that Kristoff knew he could not promise to fulfil.

He sighed. "Anna, I'll do everything I can for him. That's the best I can do."

Sven was still blocking her out, and he would not move aside. Anna poked at him, but he just growled.

"Anna."

She looked up at him.

"You've been upset lately."

"Of course I have! Elsa will not talk to me; I can only ever get things from her in the middle of the night. I'm tired, I've been crying every night, and it just feels like there's something _wrong_ with her." Anna couldn't quite pinpoint it, but Elsa was 'off'. She seemed more subdued than usual.

It was scaring Anna.

"Okay, okay," Kristoff said. "This is really worrying you, I can see that. Maybe you need to bring it to someone's attention? Someone other than you?"

That would mean admitting there was a problem. That would mean accepting the fact that there was something wrong with Elsa, something that a loving sister couldn't fix. Elsa was broken enough, she didn't need Anna reminding her of it at every turn.

Anna shook her head. "We can get through this." _We only have each other. We only _need_ each other._

An image of her parents flitted through her mind, of warm smiles and encouragement. Too many of her memories had Elsa hovering in the corner, shadowed by the hazy outline of vague recollection. Anna was clinging to the hope that Elsa just needed more time, more love, more contact. She would be okay, if only Anna could chip away at the ice that covered her sister's heart and get inside.

Anna had thawed a frozen heart before, she was determined to do it again.

"Does Bae need anything?" she asked, suddenly keen to seek Elsa out again.

Kristoff shook his head. "He'll be okay for now." _Will he?_ His mind betrayed him. _Or are you just saying that because Anna can't handle bad news right now?_ Kristoff looked at the calf in his arms. "I'll keep him safe."

Anna seemed satisfied with that, and she turned to leave the stables.

* * *

><p>Reading shouldn't make her panic. It shouldn't make the room swim around her, and the words blur on the page. It shouldn't make her feel like the most useless person in the world.<p>

But it did, because Elsa couldn't understand what she was reading. And even though she told herself, _it's okay, this is not a big deal_, that only made the panic spike more. If this wasn't a big deal, why couldn't she understand it?

It was the report on Arendelle's laws; the one Anna had found the book for. It was garbled and made no sense, and Elsa needed help.

The mere thought sent her heart pounding anew. She didn't need help. She was the Queen, she could handle this. She couldn't admit that she needed help, because there were already enough people wondering if she was fit to be Queen.

She did not need help.

She did not need help.

It didn't matter how often she said it, she couldn't believe herself. She couldn't focus. And now every person who had ever spoken ill of her was echoing in her mind, she could hear their voices mocking.

_Monster . . . too young to be queen . . . not enough experience . . . just a child . . . weak . . . out of control . . ._

She knew she was in a downward spiral, of so many things (panic, depression, weakness, loss of control) and she needed something, _someone_ to pull her out. But no one knew that she was drowning, because she was so good at concealing it.

And she couldn't ask for help. She _wouldn't_.


	5. Chapter 5 - Elsa What have you Done

Chapter 5 – Elsa, what have you Done?

**Look at my new cover art! I drew it all by myself :-) The link to it is on my profile page if you want to see a bigger, prettier version of it. The original purpose of that sketch was to practice colouring skin, because I'm terrible at it, so if you want to see the original version PM me.**

Anna had no idea where her sister was. She had intended to find Elsa, demand that they take the time to do something together, anything to get Elsa's mind out of its self-induced spiral of depression, but she was struggling to find the Queen.

That was unusual, since Elsa didn't really go anywhere. She wasn't one to leave the castle and go outside for peace and quiet, so Anna was secure in the knowledge that Elsa had to be somewhere inside.

Not in her room, apparently. Or her study. Or the library, where she loved to spend her down time. On a whim, Anna tried their parents' room, which was just as empty as very other room she'd tried so far.

"Think, Anna," she muttered to herself, standing in the hall. "Where's the last place Elsa would be?"

* * *

><p>To Anna's utter surprise, Elsa was in the stables with Kristoff. They were talking quietly, with Kristoff sitting in the straw with the calf in his lap, and Elsa standing nearby, arms folded across her stomach.<p>

"Hey," Anna said, failing to hide her surprise. "Uh . . . What's going on?"

"I was just checking on things," Elsa said softly.

"On Kristoff?" Anna didn't want to sound accusing, but it came out that way anyway. Why would Elsa seek Kristoff out? Anna wasn't even sure if Elsa liked him.

"On Bae," Kristoff supplied. "Making sure I have everything I need for him."

"Oh. Okay." It still struck Anna as odd behaviour for Elsa, but she let it go. "So, remember when I told you that we have to go out together and just do something?"

Elsa didn't look reassured by Anna's question. "Yes . . ."

"Well, we're going now." Anna drew herself up, trying to look in charge.

"Um . . ." Elsa was trying to think of an excuse, but Anna had caught her off guard.

"Let's just go for a walk together," Anna said, pleading slightly. "Please. That's all I'm asking. Just a walk."

She looked imploringly at Elsa, who sighed in defeat. "Okay."

Anna lit up. "Yay! I know exactly where we should go." She darted forward, grabbing Elsa's hand. She nearly let go again, because Elsa was freezing, but Anna's determination to drag her sister outside overpowered the discomfort and imminent frostbite.

Elsa allowed herself to be tugged, following reluctantly behind Anna as the boisterous princess babbled and skipped out of the stables. She didn't know why she was so set against something as benign as a walk, but then again, she had been feeling set against everything lately.

Anna's constant chatter was a distraction, and Elsa could feel herself relaxing as they walked. At some point, she even ended up level with Anna, instead of being towed behind her. In fact, Elsa was almost relaxed enough to actually join in on the one-person conversation, until she noticed where Anna was dragging her.

Anna's monologue was interrupted when Elsa stopped dead, jerking the princess to a halt. She raised an eyebrow. "Elsa?"

The two grave stones were grey and imposing, and Elsa suddenly wanted to turn and run.

She couldn't let her parents see her like this, she was failing at everything. She was meant to be there for Anna, but it was Anna who had been the constant source of comfort. She was meant to be ruling Arendelle, but she had been stumped by that confusing report on laws, and she was behind in her work and just . . . not . . . coping . . .

"Anna, we can't be here."

"Why not?" There was a note of pleading in Anna's voice again, a childish hope that they could all be together as a family again. Just once more. Once was all she was asking for, and she didn't ask for much.

"We just can't." There was a sense of familiarity to this conversation, and that fact sent Elsa's heart racing because these conversations never, ever, ended well. She tried to free her hand from Anna's grasp, but Anna was not only stronger but a lot more determined.

"Please don't run from me," Anna asked, not demanding, but begging. "Can we just . . . stand here? You don't need to say anything."

Three days ago Elsa had promised her father that she would be there for Anna, as long as Anna needed her. She had promised to take care of her sister. If she couldn't even fulfil the most basic role her life had handed her, how on earth was she supposed to be everything else . . . ?"Anna, let me go."

She tried to twist her hand free, she was surprised Anna hadn't let go yet because there was a film of frost crawling across her skin which _must_ be freezing . . .

"No," Anna said stubbornly. "I just want us to be together." _Because I need someone, I need you, I need to know that there is still someone in my life, because . . . because I spent three years thinking there was no one._

Her hand was cold, slowly going numb, and she couldn't have let go of Elsa anyway because her fingers were too cold to move. She pulled Elsa a step closer to one of the gravestones, she didn't care which one she just desperately needed her family close.

"Please, Elsa," Anna reached towards her with her other hand. She could hear ice forming; she didn't dare look to see where it was. "Just stand here with me_." Just for a moment, just so that I can pretend, for a second, that the world isn't ending._

It was selfish; Elsa realised, to be so worried about herself that she couldn't even offer Anna the meagre comfort of standing still beside her. But Elsa's fear that her father would see this, judge this, would think her completely unworthy, overpowered all reason. She should have taken a deep breath and just stayed where she was. She should have looked at the ice forming around her and stopped it. She should have been there for Anna.

But she wasn't. She tried once more to jerk her hand free (feeling trapped, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like she was on display and that never worked out well), she heard the ice forming, her desperate motion pulled Anna slightly off balance.

And Anna's stubborn insistence to keep hold of Elsa (_this_ was more than physical . . .) meant that she could not rebalance herself. Her feet slipped, the ground below them was suddenly slippery and blue, she lost hold of Elsa, and as she was falling her head connected with the edge of one of the gravestones.

There was a heartbeat of absolute silence.

Then Elsa realised that Anna was laying perfectly still, eyes closed, and it was her fault again. The ice increased, no longer smooth but now jagged and uninviting, and for a single second Elsa was not moving either.

Then she dropped onto her knees, hands reaching for Anna's shoulders, because Anna should always be moving, she should never, ever be still. "Anna!"

She gathered her sister into her arms, because the ground was so cold and Anna should be warm and-

_Elsa, what have you done?_

It was like an echo, Elsa looked up at the gravestone and she could see her father staring back at her, she could see the day over a decade ago that they had been in this exact same position, and she would give anything to change places with Anna right now.

The warmth Elsa could feel on the arm under Anna was blood, she wished it was her blood, it _should_ be, she deserved it. She looked at the gravestone, it was silently judging her, and whimpered, "It was an accident."

"Elsa?"

Elsa jerked her head up, looking around with wild blue eyes for the source of the voice.

Kristoff was nearby, Sven behind him, looking at the scene in front of him. "What happened?"

Elsa curled around Anna, trying to protect her, but it was never going to work, was it, because Anna needed to be protected _from_ Elsa, not by her. "She slipped." It was all she could say without breaking down into tears.

This was her fault. It was always her fault.

Kristoff knelt down next to her, wordlessly reached out to take Anna. He smoothed her hair, found where she was bleeding from and cupped a hand at the back of her head to help lessen the flow. Elsa relinquished her without question, brought her hands together against her chest. One was smeared with blood.

Kristoff did not offer an explanation; he got to his feet again with Anna cradled against his chest, watching her face and making sure she was comfortable, and walked away without a word to Elsa.

She did not follow. She was rooted to the spot, eyes fixed on the streak of blood marring the gravestone. She curled around herself, feeling sick to her stomach, with her father's eyes still on her, and then the bitter tears started.

* * *

><p>When Anna woke up, only about an hour later, Kristoff was sitting next to her and holding her hand.<p>

"Where's Elsa?" Anna shot upright, only to wince at the pain in her head, and flop back onto her bed. "Ow."

"Are you okay?" Kristoff looked worried. "You hit your head pretty hard."

"Where is Elsa?" Anna repeated.

Kristoff shrugged. "I have no idea. I brought you home to find a doctor, because you were bleeding to death, but I guess I probably should have, you know, patted your sister on the shoulder and told her to follow me home."

"You _left_ her there?" Anna asked incredulously.

Kristoff frowned. "Uh, again, you were _bleeding_. I did what I had to . . . I'm getting the sense that you think I did something wrong?"

"You can't _leave_ Elsa," Anna had a go at sitting up again. "She'll be upset."

Kristoff just stared at her. "Um . . . You were _bleeding_ from a _head_ _wound_, and unconscious. I figured you took priority."

"But . . . _Elsa_," Anna emphasized, very articulately. She waved an arm around, as though that was an explanation. "Carry me!"

"What?"

"I'm dizzy and we need to find Elsa," Anna insisted. "So you have to carry me."

Kristoff sighed, but he couldn't say no. He got up, and hoisted Anna easily into his arms. She grinned at him, clearly delighted he had given in so easily.

She patted his chest. "Okay, let's go find her."

"Are you sure it's okay for you to be moving around?"

"I'm not. I'm lying here quite innocently while you do all the moving." Anna's logic was flawless. She gestured towards the door. "Why aren't you moving?"

"I'm not sure if this is a good idea."

"Elsa needs help."

Kristoff wasn't sure if Elsa was the sister most in need of help right now, but he didn't question her. He just carried her out into the hall and awaited instructions.

"Go to Elsa's room," Anna ordered.

"If she's not there, I'm bringing you back to bed."

"Where else would she be?"

It was a good question, one that required an answer, because Elsa was not in her room.

"When did she get so good at hiding?" Anna grumbled as Kristoff doggedly carried her back to bed. "She used to be so easy to find." Anna was plopped into bed. Kristoff fussed around her, fluffing pillows and peering anxiously at her head.

"You have to go find her," Anna said after a pause. "Now."

"I'm sure she's fine," Kristoff said, hoping to get Anna to just settle down and stay put for more than two seconds. "You need to rest."

"Resting is over rated. And boring. How's Bae?"

Kristoff sat down again at her bedside. "He's okay. Still has a fever. If you promise to stay in bed until this evening, I'll take you to the stables to visit him." It was blatant bribery, but it worked.

Anna nodded, smiling. "Okay. But we have to find Elsa first."

"Not a problem." Kristoff was relieved that he had Anna contained for the rest of the day. He relaxed in his seat, and they chatted idly for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

><p><em>Elsa's powers are getting much stronger.<em>

This letter was dated Elsa's seventh birthday.

_Sometimes she wakes up in the night because she's frozen the blankets or made it snow. Usually, by the time I get there to check on her, Anna is awake too, trying to build snowmen in the bed._

Elsa remembered a time when waking up in the night didn't mean terror. She remembered being woken by Anna jumping on top of her at one in the morning because they could make a snowman.

_When she's awake, she always has complete control over herself. She enjoys making it snow for Anna, and it makes her feel better to get that power out. Agdar does not like it when she does, but it enchants Anna so much that Elsa doesn't want to stop._

Elsa put the letter back in the box without reading the rest. She didn't want to read the rest. Her powers used to make Anna happy, but suddenly all they could do was hurt her. Elsa closed the box, and all she could think was _you used to be there for her. Then you stopped being there and you don't know how to start again._

Her parents' room had grown dark since she had entered. It was too dark to read, anyway, Elsa told herself, because then she could justify putting the letter back. She could tell herself it was because she _couldn't_ see it, not because she didn't _want_ to see it.

She took the box with her when she left, in case there was something helpful in there. Perhaps she could find hope, or even knowledge. She hadn't found either of those things when she had looked inside herself, so perhaps they could be found elsewhere.

Elsa went past Anna's room, to check on her. Her stomach twisted itself into knots at the memory of the day so far, of hurting Anna again, of having her father looking down on her and seeing how badly she was failing at everything.

Anna's door was slightly open, and Elsa peered inside. Kristoff was still sitting next to her, still holding her hand, and the two of them were talking quietly. Anna looked perfectly safe. Elsa remained hidden, content to watch for now, but she didn't want to interrupt them.

Anna laughed at something Kristoff said – Elsa couldn't quite make out the words – and she felt her heart stutter because she couldn't remember the last time she had made Anna laugh. She couldn't remember the last time she had laughed either. Could she even do it anymore?

Anna looked so happy, so relaxed. Elsa bit her lip, because she had noticed that Anna had not been looking that way lately. Was it because she was sad about their parents, or was it because of Elsa? Did Anna look happy with everyone else? But . . . Elsa's insides felt like lead . . . but not with Elsa. She didn't laugh with Elsa.

_Whose fault is that?_ Her mind mocked her. _Look at her. She's perfectly happy right now, because you aren't there. She doesn't need you, you're the problem, not a solution._

Elsa turned away, clutching the box of letters close to her chest. _But Anna loves me . . ._

_Love doesn't mean need. True love is letting go._

Elsa closed herself in her room.

_Letting go of what? Of Anna? Or . . . or allowing Anna to let go of me?_

* * *

><p>True to his word, Kristoff carried Anna down to the stables to see Bae. She moaned the entire time about them not stopping to check on Elsa ("Anna, I think she knows how to go to bed without you harassing her.").<p>

Kristoff set Anna gently down on the straw, "Can you stop going on about that?"

"You were supposed to check on Elsa first!" Anna accused, crossing her arms. The baby reindeer snuffled, rubbing his nose against her knee. Her foul mood evaporated. "Aw, hi, Bae. Did you miss me?"

Anna scooped the poor calf up and squeezed him. "I missed you too!"

Kristoff grinned at them. "Yeah, he missed you. And he's getting better. He stood up on his own for about two seconds, earlier."

"That's great!" Anna snuggled the calf more. "You don't run away when I hug you, do you?" she cooed.

It may have occurred to Kristoff that this was because the calf was incapable of running, but he chose not to voice that. He was a little unsettled by her comment, though. Was Anna suggesting the calf was more receptive to contact than Elsa was?

And even if she was suggesting that, was she wrong?

"You know what," Kristoff said abruptly. "You're right. We should check on Elsa. I'll take you back to the castle-"

"No," Anna said stubbornly. "I'm cuddling Bae. He needs someone to be there for him. I want to be here for him."

This was not about a calf, Kristoff realised uneasily. This was Anna pointing affection at whatever she saw first because she wasn't getting it from anywhere else (Like she always did). Granted, a reindeer was unlikely to turn out like Hans had, but it was still the same situation. Anna wanted someone, she needed someone, and she wasn't discerning about who it was.

Kristoff wasn't about to let a baby reindeer come between the sisters. "Anna, put him down, and we'll see how Elsa's doing."

"She could have come to see me," Anna pouted. "I was in my room all day. She didn't come to visit. She didn't want to visit. Maybe I want her to come after me for a change." She gripped the reindeer defiantly.

Kristoff was baffled. He was well aware of Anna's ability to switch moods quicker than sound travelled, but this seems a bit . . . abrupt, even for her. "Uh . . ."

"Bae wants cuddles." This was Anna's flawless reasoning. "If someone wants to be hugged, you can't tell them 'no'. Do you know how unhappy he would be if he came to me and asked for a hug, and I didn't hug him? Poor little thing . . ."

"Not necessarily. He might just want a bit of time to himself. Just because he doesn't always want hugs doesn't mean he's . . . uh, doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Perhaps he just wants to be alone."

"Nobody wants to be alone." Anna still didn't realise that 'nobody' meant 'her'. She gazed at Kristoff. "Can I stay here tonight, with you?"

"I don't think you should, you hit your head and-"

"Please?"

Kristoff sighed. He knew he would give in. There would be no point not giving in. "Alright, fine. But if you start throwing up in the night or something, I'm taking you straight back."

* * *

><p><em>I am so sorry to hear that you lost your little girl.<em>

Elsa had looked for letters dated around the same time as her birth; this one was a few months after her birthday.

_But never give up hope. The world works in mysterious ways. If you keep praying, one day I'm certain your child will be delivered back home._

_I'm sorry I can't be with you in this difficult time, but Elsa is too young to make the journey there, and she has not been well lately. I am always with you in spirit and your thoughts. No matter the miles between us, we are still as close as ever._

Elsa sighed. Why couldn't she have said something like that to Anna? Why couldn't she have assured Anna that a door between them was nothing, they were still just as close. She still loved her just as much.

How had she become such a failure as a sister, when her mother had been so good at it? How could she be surrounded by people who were kind, intelligent and wise and still have turned out as hopeless as she was?

She could turn it all around though, couldn't she? She could go to Anna now, and tell her that . . . that she still loved her, even though she struggled sometimes to show it.

Elsa slipped out of bed, and padded softly to Anna's room. The door was slightly open, and the lights were off so Elsa assumed Anna was asleep. Even better, Elsa preferred the dark. She knocked softly on the door. "Anna? Are you awake, love?"

There was no answer, so Elsa tiptoed inside. "Anna?"

The bed was empty; the room was empty. Anna was not there. Elsa stood alone in the darkness, her only company her demons. _Of course you're alone, you belong alone. You want to be alone. Everyone knows it._

Anna left her. Anna left the comfort of home to be . . . somewhere else, Elsa didn't know where. But the fact was that Anna had left, because . . . Elsa swallowed . . . because Anna didn't need her.


	6. Chapter 6 - Progress

Chapter 6 – Progress

Sven made no secret of the fact that he didn't like Bae. When the calf finally stood unassisted, wobbly on long legs that defied every command he gave them, the older reindeer nudged him and he tumbled back into the straw.

Anna didn't even notice. She was holding her arms open and encouraging him to try again, "Come on, Bae. Come to me. Come and get a hug!"

The calf untangled himself, lurched to his feet and took a few stumbling steps, over balancing and landing in Anna's lap. He snuffled against her stomach, she hugged him tight.

"Look at him, Kristoff! He's running around and coming for hugs!"

Kristoff stood at Sven's side, his worried glance going from his reindeer to the princess. He was worried about Sven, because the reindeer seemed more than a little put out at Bae's presence. Sven was acting jealous and petty, and sometimes he pushed Bae with a bit more force than needed. He was worried about Anna because Anna was showering the calf with love and hugs and had not mentioned once that morning that they needed to check on Elsa.

She seemed far more interested in the calf than in her own sister, and Kristoff wondered why that was. Was she sick of always reaching out to Elsa and getting nothing in return? Was she capturing Bae in her arms because he was physically incapable of running away, and she wanted to love something that would just stay put and be loved?

"Elsa's probably wondering where you are," Kristoff said carefully, because whatever the reason was for Anna's odd behaviour, it was concerning him.

"No, she's not." Anna's grip on Bae tightened. "She never is." _Thirteen years and she never once came to me._ Anna swallowed down tears, because she was too stubborn to cry. But this whole week had just been too much; it was feeling as though Elsa had never changed.

Anna knew she wasn't alone. She had Kristoff, and Kai and Gerda, and even Sven and Olaf. But . . . she _felt_ alone. She wasn't; she had Bae. He was right here in her arms, warm and real and bright-eyed. He was not going to shut her out, _ever_, no matter what he was feeling.

And he needed her.

Anna wanted to be needed. She had to be needed. She wanted to be there for someone, something, everyone, everything.

* * *

><p>Nothing had changed.<p>

Elsa was still sitting in her room, with the box of letters at her side, and the door closed. There was still snow in her room, her powers her only company. She knew Anna desperately wanted this year to be different, but Elsa hadn't changed.

She was suffocating, there was too much around her. Too much work, that she couldn't understand. Too much responsibility, that she couldn't handle. Too much emotion, which she wanted _out_.

The snow fell a bit harder; Elsa selected a letter at random. Her sixteenth birthday.

_I'm worried about Agdar. He smiles at Elsa, and tries to hide his worry, but when it's just the two of us I can see how he's afraid. He's afraid that he can't help her anymore. He keeps his head high when he's with her, but the moment he leaves her room I can see how much her curse weighs him down._

_He talks often of control, of concealing, but I feel as though Elsa just can't. She can see his disappointment, and she tries even harder to hide what she's feeling and thinking. I'm so disconnected from her right now; she never talks or shares anything._

Elsa put the letter down. Nothing had changed. She was the same as she was all those years ago. She's _trying_, she's trying to be there for Anna but she just doesn't know how . . .

Everything feels wrong. It feels wrong to seek Anna out and ask how she is. It feels wrong to try to talk to her. It feels so wrong, she feels exposed and vulnerable, to actually initiate a conversation. It's a foreign feeling, so different from the life she's led so far that she actually feels sick just thinking about.

Leaving her room and trying to talk, trying to share thoughts and feelings, not concealing . . . her stomach twists in knots and she covers her mouth with one hand. And her nausea makes her feel worse, because something as simple as talking to your sister should come naturally.

But it doesn't, and that means there's something wrong with her. She can't even _exist_ correctly; she's failing at every single facet of her life. Talking to people makes her feel ill, she wants to be alone. But everyone tells her that being alone is wrong, and she's so confused because everyone is telling her that _who she is,_ is wrong.

She is wrong.

She is not right.

Every option was a dead end. _Talk to Anna_. She couldn't do that, she didn't know how. _Be the Queen_. She was struggling; she wasn't cut out to be Queen. _Make Papa proud_. Oh, she was terrible at this; she wasn't being a good girl, she wasn't concealing, she wasn't . . . she just _wasn't_.

She wasn't anything.

The world was imploding around her and she couldn't ask for help, she wouldn't ask for help because keeping everything to herself was the very last thing she had. She was hanging onto this final hope that she could make Papa proud.

_Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show._

She could do that.

It was the only thing she could.

* * *

><p>Bae was leaning against Anna, she kept one hand protectively on his back, and they were walking side by side.<p>

She could hear Sven nearby, giving Kristoff a grumbling talking to, because he didn't like the baby reindeer, and it should just be the two of them, and _hey, I'm talking to you._

Kristoff patted his friend. "I'm listening, buddy. Carry on."

_Get your goo-goo eyes off that princess and back on me, because we are a team, a team of two. I don't want a reindeer!_

"Sven," Kristoff sighed. "No one, nothing, could ever replace you. We're just helping Bae until he's better. That's all."

_That's a stupid name._

"I agree. But Anna wants him to be named Bae, so . . ."

Anna skipped a few paces ahead, Bae lurched to keep up.

Sven nudged Kristoff's arm. _You think something's wrong._

"I think Anna's aiming all those feelings she has, you know, for Elsa, at Bae. She complained that Elsa didn't want her company, or hugs, and that she was basically useless. Bae makes her feel wanted and needed."

_Anna's just confused about her feelings 'cause it's around the time of her parents' death._

"I know. She's struggling to handle it. But I kinda feel like it's my fault she's struggling. If I hadn't brought Bae here, she would still be trying with Elsa. I've . . . separated them."

_So put them back together._

Kristoff nodded. "I'm on it. Anna?"

"Yes?" Anna looked up attentively; Bae was sucking on her fingers.

"Bae's tired. You should go back to Elsa. I'm sure she wants to know how you're feeling after your . . . trip . . . yesterday." He didn't know what to call it, and Anna didn't really remember it.

She sighed. "Do I have to? If he's tired, I can sit with him while he takes a nap."

"Go to Elsa," Kristoff repeated firmly. "Now."

Anna made a face. "Fine, I'm going." She leaned down to the give the calf a soft kiss on the head. "Bye, Bae. I'll come back and see you soon."

The calf tried to follow her, but Kristoff stepped forward and scooped him up to take him inside again.

Anna made her way tentatively to Elsa's room. It occurred to her that her reaction was wrong, this was the first time in a very long time that she hadn't smiled at the thought of spending time with her sister. She wasn't eagerly seeking Elsa out.

She was nervous.

Nervous, because this had happened before. She been hurt before, and Elsa had closed off and retreated into herself. And now – this time of year – when Elsa was already teetering on the brink of a behavioural relapse, this had to happen. She touched the back of her head lightly. It was still sore.

Elsa's door was closed, and that made Anna even more nervous. Did they really have to go through this again? Did she really have to knock on a closed door and hope, pray, that Elsa would answer her?

Anna did not hesitate, the moment she was in front of Elsa's door she knocked, the familiarity was soothing, but carried a weight of woe with it. "Elsa? Can we talk?"

There was a tell-tale change in temperature that betrayed Elsa's location, but no answer was forthcoming.

"I'm not hurt, you know. I'm fine. I took Bae for a walk, and he's doing so well. My head doesn't even hurt." That was a lie, but Elsa probably needed a lie. "I can help with your work again, like we agreed. Do you need help?" Anna pressed an ear against the door, hoping to catch an answer, but Elsa's thoughts weren't loud enough.

Anna stared at the closed door, and found herself suddenly feeling irrationally angry. She was doing everything right, she was taking the correct steps to change this year. It was Elsa who wasn't reciprocating. Anna had been reaching out, trying to help . . . trying to be noticed.

Anna clenched her fists and kicked at the door. She regretted it immediately, hopping on one foot and cursing under her breath, because that door was very, very solid. "Fine! You know what, _fine_! If you want to shut me out again, go ahead!"

Angry tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. "I've got Bae and Kristoff, and everyone else. Just like I've always had! So if you don't want my help, and you don't want me around then I'll just never talk to you again!"

There was still silence from behind the door.

The angry tears spilled over, and became indistinguishable from the tears of sadness that followed. Anna glared at the door, lower lip jutting out in a stubborn attempt not to sob out loud. She didn't want Elsa to hear her. She didn't care if Elsa never heard her again.

A moment passed.

And another.

And just like that Anna's anger evaporated, her frustrations lifted, and she found herself staring at the door in disbelief because . . . because she had just yelled at Elsa. The annoyance and frustration were suddenly replaced with guilt and regret.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry, Elsa. I didn't mean it." She laid a hand on the freezing door. "Elsa . . . I'm right out here for you. Forever, I promise." She leant her forehead on the door, her breath was misting in front of her. "Let me in, please. Show me that it's not the way it was before . . ."

Anna waited. She shouldn't have to, because those days of waiting were over. The days of closed doors were not with them any longer.

Four years and five days.

Why was she still in the same position?

* * *

><p>Elsa wanted to the open the door. Her heart fluttered when she heard Anna knock, for a moment she believed that this was the turning point, and everything would get better from here. Things could change, she could change-<p>

She sat up a little straighter, suddenly noticing that the entire room was coated in a thick layer of ice. Crystals hung in the air, the ground was slick and shining and the walls reflected her from every angle – a desperate huddle sitting on the floor beside a box which was frozen shut.

Everything was frozen shut.

Her heart thumped as she realised the door was too. Anna was still talking, but Elsa didn't hear, she was scrambling to her feet, shocked, because how could she have let her powers get so out of control without even noticing? She touched the door, fingers gliding over the smooth impenetrable ice.

"Unfreeze," she murmured, under her breath, but where her hand was touching the ice was thickening. She swallowed the panic, but it was still swirling in her belly, and the snowflakes around her began swirling too.

A thump from the other side of the door made Elsa take a step back, her heart racing. She was trapped. This hadn't happened in ages, she couldn't even remember the last time her powers had been so bad that she had been closed insi-

Yes, she could remember.

Elsa sank to knees, both palms on the slick, sealed door. She remembered all too well the last time she had frozen everything, trapped herself and the only company had been her empty thoughts and hollow feelings and a plaintive voice from the other side of the door.

The same voice that was out there right now, shouting something that Elsa couldn't focus on because her mind was swirling faster than the snow around her, because the panic was rising up again, and one thought kept rearing up, _you can't change anything._

And just like that all the wrong thoughts were back, all the doubts and whispers from the years after her parent's death, at her coronation, snippets that she heard when people thought she wasn't listening –

_She's much too young. Not experienced enough. Just a child. Out of control. Monster._

_Getting upset only makes it worse. _

_You'll be fine, Elsa._

A slight wail came from her, because she was so completely overwhelmed and there was no one to turn to, and she couldn't open the door.

She could hear Anna's whispered apologies. Apologies for what? Elsa was the one doing everything wrong. The ice under her thickened, crackled. She was trying, so _hard_, god knew she was trying . . .

But the ice would not leave.

_Of course it won't leave_, she thought. _It's you. This ice is you, these thoughts are you. This is who you are . . . this is who you will always be._

She didn't want to be herself anymore. She didn't want to be Elsa, she didn't want to be Queen of Arendelle. She didn't want to _be_.

* * *

><p>If you fall down, you get back up again. If you fail, you try again. If your sister won't open the door, you keep knocking.<p>

Anna thought this to herself as she sat outside in the sun, watching Bae stagger around. The calf was tottering about, frequently swinging his head to check that Anna was still with him. She was watching the little reindeer while Kristoff and Sven were out for the day.

She didn't know where Elsa was. Guilt had been gnawing away at her all day, but Anna had told herself that Bae needed her attention more. And a nasty little thought in the back of Anna's mind sniped that Elsa wasn't going anywhere.

"Bae," Anna called, so that she wouldn't be thinking anymore and she could focus on better things. Like how the little reindeer tried to frolic back to her.

He tripped over his own feet, tumbled head over heels, and scrambled up again to run into her waiting arms.

"Are you hungry?" she asked. Years of nattering to a closed door had banished any sort of self-consciousness about talking to an animal that would never talk back. That, and being around Kristoff had a way of making these sorts of conversations seem normal.

The calf nuzzled her neck.

"Of course you're hungry," Anna patted his back. "Come on, you have to go inside first."

Anna set the calf on the ground and stood up. As always, Bae hobbled after her. He still walked unevenly, but he was improving by the hour, and his mangled coat was starting to straighten and heal. He lifted Anna's spirits, because he was always happy to see her, and welcomed hugs and touching and any sort of interaction.

"You like being with me, don't you?" Anna said conversationally as they walked to the stables side by side. "Come on, inside." Anna stopped in the doorway of Bae's stable. He stopped too.

"You have to go inside," Anna repeated, and when Bae didn't move she sighed. She picked him up and carried him in. He was growing fast, she didn't know how much longer she would be able to lift him.

Bae turned towards her as soon as he was on the straw, trying to follow her out the stable.

"No," she said. "I'll be right back with your milk, but you have to wait here." She closed the half door before he could get through. She didn't latch it properly; she was going to be right back anyway, and the calf wasn't strong enough to open the door.

Bae nudged the door, gazing up at her.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I don't like closing you in but I have to-" Anna's train of thought derailed as she suddenly realised that this was what Elsa had been dealing with.

The calf was staring at her, eyes big and lonely, and Anna saw herself; a tiny child begging Elsa to open the door. Crying and tapping on the wood with tiny fists until her mother picked her up and carried her away.

She hadn't known, then, why Elsa was shutting her out. Just as Bae couldn't understand why Anna was shutting him in.

Because she had to. Because if she didn't, he would get hurt. Because she was protecting him. Because she loved him. All those reasons, and more, and they were the same reasons Elsa had.

Elsa wasn't just unhappy because of the reminder that they no longer had any parents. She was upset because she was also reminded of a time when she had to shut Anna out. The reasons for shutting her out had been behind closed doors – love, protection, safety, more love – and now that all the doors were open . . . Elsa didn't know what to do.

Anna ran back to the castle.

Elsa didn't know what to think, or feel, when there weren't doors between them. Anna had been harping on at her to just relax, to give in to what she was feeling, to just think, but Elsa didn't know how.

"Elsa!" Anna barrelled upstairs, yelling for her sister, because she owed her a thousand apologies and an explanation. "Where are you?"

Anna knocked on the door again. She waited for about a second, then knocked again, because she was ready to talk now. When there was no answer, again, Anna tried the door.

It opened, which brought a small, fleeting smile to her face. She peered inside. "Elsa? Are you in here?"

The room was empty, but the door opening disturbed a piece of paper nearby. Anna looked down; the box of letters was near the door, with a single letter sitting on the floor. She picked it up, curious.

_My Dearest sister_

_I am so happy to hear that your daughter has finally come home! All your waiting and hoping has paid off. Words cannot express how happy I am for you._

_Of course we will come to the celebration of her return. I know you offered to let us stay for longer, but I don't want to leave Elsa on her own for more than a week._

Anna frowned. Why not? How much trouble could she have gotten into sitting in her room?

_As you know, Elsa just turned eighteen, and she has been taking on a bit more responsibility with her father. But there is something else that we are dealing with at the moment. We think Elsa is ill, but of course she won't tell us._

_Agdar has done a lot of research, and he has spoken to many different doctors on the subject. They say that Elsa is depressed, and that is what is causing so many problems with her powers. It's the only explanation for the incident I told you about in my last letter. People who are well do not try to take their own lives-_

"What?" Anna yelped out loud. She dropped to her knees, searching through the box, trying to find a letter dated a week before this one, two weeks, a month, sometime before. What on earth did her mother mean 'take her own life'?

Elsa was _fine_, there was nothing wrong with her. She was just quiet and a bit sad. And being sad was normal; because this was a hard time of year, but things were getting better-

Anna's thoughts ground to a halt, because that was another reason she had been worrying about Elsa. For Anna, every day got better. The sadness was a bit further behind her. She moved forward to better things. She saw the sun rise and her heart rose with it. She saw the people around her smiling, and she had to smile back.

Elsa didn't see that. Elsa wasn't moving forward. She was moving backwards, towards the sadness and the pain. And every step backwards was taking her closer to . . . to 'the incident'.

Anna looked at the scattered letters, her hands were shaking. Where was Elsa now? How long could all this hurt and depression simmer before it reached boiling point? Anna had missed all the signs, she'd ignored all the signals. There had been a thousand clues that Elsa was not quite right.

She had overlooked them all.

Anna scrambled back to her feet, taking off through the halls. She had to find Elsa, this new knowledge of Elsa's mental state had kick started Anna's brain into panic. She was suddenly desperate to find Elsa.

_Now_, she thought, _now, I finally understand._

_Why do you shut me out?_

_Because you don't know how to live with open doors._

_Why do you shut the world out?_

_Because you don't want the world to see who you really are._

_What are you so afraid of?_

_Yourself._

"Kai!" Anna spotted the old butler as she was racing in nonsensical circles around the castle. "Kai, where is Elsa?"

"She is in a meeting," Kai replied primly, looking very sedate and composed next to Anna's electrifying tension. "Is there something you need from her?"

"I just need to know where she is," Anna said, fidgeting. "How long will she be in the meeting?" She needed to touch, to know that Elsa was still there, still alive.

"I am not sure." Kai looked apologetic. "If you would like, I will tell her to come and find you as soon as she can."

"Thanks." Anna had to be content with that. She wandered back to Elsa's room, to look through the letters more carefully. She sat on the floor in the open doorway, and found the letter she had been reading.

_Elsa has been doing a bit better since that day, but we both worry that she might try it again. Agdar has been asking for her help with more royal duties in the hopes that she will become more occupied with work, and perhaps take her mind off her own problems._

_She is a quick study, and I know that she will make an excellent queen one day. I tell her this often, but she just smiles at me sadly and looks away. I sense that being queen is not what she wants._

Anna sighed. How could she have missed all of these signs? How could she not have noticed that her own sister was so unhappy that she felt her life was hopeless?

Because Elsa concealed things, Elsa didn't feel things, and she didn't let it show.

Anna flipped through the letters, pulling some out of the box with similar dates to the one she had been reading. Maybe they would tell her more, maybe there were details here that she had missed. She settled down to read, one foot in the door of Elsa's room, one foot in the hall.

That, she mused, was progress.

**So, this is all pretty depressing. Why are you all reading this? I'm writing it because I'm a little (read: very) down, but surely I'm bringing you guys down, too? Let's have a pity party. I'll bring chocolate.**

**Thanks for all the faves, reviews and follows. This story is getting quite a good response and I must admit I'm surprised (see above)**

**SpicedGold**


	7. Chapter 7 - Runaway

Chapter 7 – Runaway

**Good news, my pity party has chocolate, cookies and drinks! Thanks PhoenixThunderBird and NovaDeus. And everyone else who reviewed, you guys cheer me up. :-)**

Elsa was trying to stay calm. But these meetings bothered her, because she was young and inexperienced and sometimes she had no idea what they were talking about.

The council were arguing, loudly, about some law that needed changing, or maybe it had been changed, Elsa wouldn't know because she couldn't understand the stupid report. This shouldn't upset her, usually she could just get herself up to speed in a few days but lately, everything had been harder.

Lately, she had felt overwhelmed.

"What, exactly, is the issue here?" She sounded snippy, she didn't care and she couldn't help it.

"Your majesty," one of the councilmen looked surprised that she had actually spoken, and interrupted the endless shouting that had dominated the meeting. "There is a lot of debate as to whether or not the law should be changed. It would affect a lot of people."

Elsa did vaguely recall some stodgy law about housing, but as to what element of housing the law pertained to she was unsure. "Alright, fair enough. But there must have been a reason to even consider changing it in the first place."

"There was," someone else spoke up, loudly.

Elsa flinched at his loud tone, and immediately chided herself because she shouldn't have jumped but she was so overwrought right now. She glanced down at her hands, clasped together and sitting in her lap, to assure herself that there was no ice spewing from them against her will.

_Calm down_, she told herself. Her reaction was irrational, she recognised that, and the fact that she could recognise that only drove home the fact that she was out of control and over reacting.

The council were yelling again; she didn't tell them to stop. She stared at the table, trying to take deep breaths and calm down but it felt like she was somewhere she wasn't supposed to be. She felt like she was trying to be someone else. This, listening to people yelling and making decisions that impacted an entire country, was not who she was supposed to be.

Elsa had spent so long trying to change who she was, she wasn't sure what she supposed to feel or think anymore.

"We need a decision to be made."

She looked up, startled to find that everyone was staring at her. She felt like a deer in headlights, absolutely trapped, and had to take a minute to just breathe before she could stammer a sentence. "U-um, have we taken a vote?" She should know that, shouldn't she?

This day just kept getting worse.

"We have," the councilman replied. "And there are equal people for and against."

There should be an uneven number of people on the council, clearly. Elsa resisted the urge to chew on her thumb nail, but just barely. "This new law will affect the people of Arendelle more than it will affect the council." She hoped; she was going out on a limb here because she had no idea what the law was even about. "I think we should ask the people of Arendelle what they think, and consider their feedback."

The councilman who had been glaring at her sneered, "That seems unnecessary-"

"Just do it," Elsa snapped. That way everyone would leave her alone and give her time to understand that indecipherable report.

"Certainly, your majesty," there was no mistaking the trace of contempt in the councilman's voice. He had been one of the people who had repeatedly commented on the fact that Elsa was very young, wasn't she, to have Arendelle's future in her icy hands. "Although the decision is ultimately yours, of course."

"And so is Arendelle," Elsa reminded him. "And if I want the opinion of the people of this country, I will have it. Arendelle is not a dictatorship, the opinion of the people matters to me."

"Yes, your majesty." The councilman sat down again. He muttered under his breath, Elsa didn't quite catch what it was but history would suggest it was something lewd.

She chose to ignore it, because she just wanted this day to be over. She closed her eyes briefly, trying to stay calm, but the arguing started up again, and it was all she could hear.

She didn't want to be here. She wanted to be . . . free. She didn't care how she achieved that. She was so tired of trying to be someone she was not. Arendelle could cope without her, it had for the three years between her parents' death and her coronation. Anna could cope without her; Elsa had made sure of that. She had made sure Kristoff would be there, she had made sure that Anna had someone.

Everyone would be safer without her, there was a not a day that Elsa didn't think that.

Her father had tried to teach her to be queen, and maybe the reason it was so hard for her to learn was because it wasn't the role she was meant to play. Every role she had been given she had not managed to fulfil: sister, princess, queen.

And only one had made her feel as though she belonged: Snow Queen, on the North Mountain.

_You belong down in Arendelle._

_So do you._

_No, Anna, I belong here. Alone. Where I can be who I am . . ._

_That perfect girl is gone . . ._ because she was not the girl Elsa was supposed to be.

This meeting, this week, had made Elsa realise something.

_I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game._

The last time she had felt this trapped, she had tried to take her own life. She had reached that point of desolation because there were no more options for her. But now, with the open gates, there was the option she had at the coronation: run away.

"This meeting is over." She gave no more explanation; she didn't need to give an explanation. She stood up, the ice was itching under her skin, screaming and clawing and trying to break out. She and the ice were one; they thought the same, they felt the same.

_Elsa_ was screaming and clawing and trying to break out.

* * *

><p><em>We didn't tell Anna that her sister tried to kill herself. She would have been needlessly upset, and the danger has passed. Elsa has been very quiet, but she talked to Agdar today. I desperately want to hug her, but she is so aware of contact and always turns away. It feels like she is alone in everything, but I am here for her.<em>

_It's summer here. The night she tried to kill herself, there was a terrible snowstorm. Agdar thinks Elsa might have caused it, and that worries him. Her powers are getting even stronger, and that, as well as her lack of control, frightens him._

_Sometimes he looks at her and I can see the fear in his eyes. I know Elsa can see it too, but she never says anything. She just turns away._

_It is becoming a problem. I found some plans on Agdar's desk, some notes and drawings should something ever go wrong with Elsa. Agdar isn't afraid of her, he's afraid that he's failed her as a father._

Anna sniffed. "Poor Papa. And Mama. And Elsa." She sighed, and looked around. It was not very comfortable sitting on the floor but she was determined to stay there until Elsa returned. Anna shuffled the letters a bit, mulling, until a blast of cold air made her look up.

Elsa was standing a few metres away, staring at the letters, her face unreadable.

Tact was not Anna's strong suit. "You tried to kill yourself?"

A faint smattering of snow started falling around them.

Elsa's heart was pounding. No, Anna's not supposed to know, _no one_ is supposed to know. She couldn't explain it, but she didn't _want_ Anna to know. There were too many emotions swirling around; guilt, fear, anger, shame, and now it was snowing and that was the final straw.

It was irrational, but Elsa was beyond caring. She turned and ran.

"Elsa!" Anna flung the letters aside, scrambling up. She was stiff from sitting on the floor, and the path Elsa had taken was frozen and slippery. Elsa was already out of sight, but Anna was not going to let her sister run away again. She nearly stumbled; the floor was like a skating rink, but she recovered quickly and continued running.

"Elsa, wait!" She probably should have built up to the question, she realised. Too late now. Elsa didn't really cope well when people threw impossible questions at her. Anna wanted to slap herself, because she knew Elsa hated confrontation.

Elsa ran through the courtyard, towards the fjord again. Anna was hoping she would stop there, because the last time they had done this the entire fjord had frozen over, and maybe they didn't want a repeat of that.

Elsa didn't hesitate this time; she had complete confidence that her powers would freeze the water beneath her and allow her to cross the fjord. Anna hesitated, at the edge, because she was not as convinced that the ice would hold her. To her relief, though, Elsa stopped, halfway across.

She turned back to face Anna, the ice was spreading around her but it didn't go far.

"Elsa," Anna called, straining forward but not courageous enough to actually step onto the path of ice. "Don't go. I'm sorry, I really am. I . . . I wasn't thinking."

They stared at each other, the silence deafening. The setting sun was casting long shadows, making it hard to see what emotions were painted on Elsa's face. Elsa took another step away.

"No, come back." Anna took a step forward, and it proved to be one step too much.

Feeling trapped, feeling boxed in, feeling claustrophobic, Elsa didn't wait to see if Anna would come across the ice after her. She turned away, continued to run.

Anna hesitated, testing the ice cautiously. It seemed to hold. She stepped onto it fully, eyes glued to the surface of the water. She shuffled a few cautious steps forward, because if she slipped and fell she would plunge into the fjord and that would really impede her chase.

By the time she had crossed the fjord, nervously, Elsa was nowhere to be seen, and there were no tell-tale snowflakes to guide the way. Anna stood undecided at the edge of the forest. She took a deep breath, and started walking, scanning the ground for clues.

She had been wandering around for a few minutes when she heard a sound behind her, like something moving through the brush. She spun around, suddenly realising how idiotically vulnerable she was, because there were wolves in this forest and-

"Bae!" she exclaimed.

The reindeer squeaked, delighted to have been noticed, and hobbled towards her.

"How did you get out?" Anna knelt down to hug him, and then she remembered that she had gone inside to fetch him something to eat hours ago. She had completely forgotten about him, and he was probably starving.

The calf was sucking on her clothes, his big eyes fixed on her face.

"Bae, you can't be out here. It's not safe." She stood up, and he immediately nuzzled her hand, and began sucking on her fingers in a vain attempt to find milk. She stood undecided.

Follow Elsa, or take Bae home?

Bae made the decision for her. After tottering across the fjord on an empty stomach, the little calf was exhausted. He plonked himself down, letting go of Anna's fingers, and settled down ready to sleep.

"You can't sleep here," Anna said. "You have to go home." She patted the calf. "Come on, up you get. Please. I've got to go after Elsa."

The reindeer's eyes were firmly shut.

Anna sighed, and bent down to pick him up. It wasn't easy; he was quickly gaining weight now that he was eating regularly. She huffed a bit, trying to grip him comfortably without over balancing. She had half a mind to follow Elsa with the calf, but she had no idea how long she could carry him for.

She started back home, more than just slightly irritated, and had barely gone more than ten metres when Bae's head shot up and nearly broke her nose.

"Careful," she said.

He squirmed, making distressed noises.

"What?" She peered at the path ahead. "What's wrong?"

Bae wouldn't settle, he kept bawling, kicking slightly and loosening Anna's grip. She lost hold of him, and as he fell into a heap she suddenly saw why he was so upset. There were three wolves watching them from the bushes ahead.

Bae lurched to his feet again, calling for Anna.

The wolves slunk a bit closer, curious.

Anna picked up a fallen branch and hurled it at them. "Get away! Leave us alone!"

The branch fell short of the wolves, and they didn't seem in the least bit intimidated. They advanced more, yellow eyes locked on the calf fretting at Anna's feet.

She didn't know what to do. She gripped the back of Bae's neck, holding a fistful of loose skin, and tried to drag him with her as she ran. The moment she moved, the wolves lunged.

Bae's scream of terror and pain was drowned out by Anna's.

"Leave him alone!" she screeched at such a pitch she nearly lost her voice. He was jerked from her hand; a wolf was dragging him away by a hind leg. He was kicking and crying, writhing and trying to break free.

"Let him go!" Anna grabbed another branch, swung it at the closest wolf. It snapped on impact, the wolf ignored her in favour of grabbing another of Bae's legs. "Leave him alone, he's mine!" She kicked at the wolves, standing right between them, arms flailing and punching, but they were too focused on the reindeer to pay attention to her.

She looked around for something, anything, to use as a weapon, her thoughts scrambled by the deafening screams of a reindeer in panic, her vision blurring with helpless tears of frustration. She threw rocks, twigs, branches, anything she could get her hands on.

"Leave him alone!" She screamed again, and then gulped because suddenly Bae wasn't crying anymore. She beat desperately at the closest wolf, but it didn't even acknowledge her. "Leave him alone!"

She heard a familiar sound; it took a moment for her panicked brain to place it. She blinked. Ice?

A split second later the ground under the wolves erupted in ice, pillars of it rising beneath them and lifting them away. The ice twisted, throwing the wolves to the ground. They sprang up instantly, turning to attack again, but a series of pointed icicles leapt from the ground in a circle, trapping Anna and Bae inside, and the wolves outside.

Anna turned, eyes wide.

Elsa's arms were still outstretched, swirls of ice dissipating as the last of the icicle barricades formed around them. She looked more terrified than Anna felt, her entire body was shaking.

Anna went to Bae, looking down at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He was lying on his side in a little puddle of blood, eyes bright, breathing shallow and panicked. He moaned feebly when he saw her.

Elsa approached tentatively, coming to Anna's side.

Anna knelt down, uncaring of the blood that started soaking her clothes. She stroked Bae gently, her voice shaking as she said to him, "It's okay, boy. It's okay, we'll fix you up again. Don't leave me."

She wanted to yell at Elsa. She wanted to say that this was all her fault, that Bae would never have been hurt if Elsa had just _talked_ to Anna instead of running away.

She didn't have to say it though, because Elsa was already thinking it.


	8. Chapter 8 - Bae

Chapter 8 – Bae

The silence was broken by the sound of Kristoff yelling. Anna looked behind her, to see Kristoff and Sven peering anxiously through the ice barricade.

"What on earth happened here?" Kristoff asked, eyes wide. "I heard screaming, and Sven and I were coming home . . . geez, that's a lot of blood." He kicked an icicle over so he could get through to Anna.

Elsa flinched, hands twitching. She stared at the broken ice, then at Anna.

"Whoa," Kristoff said softly, kneeling down next to Anna and Bae.

"You can save him . . . right?" Anna asked, never taking her eyes off the calf.

Kristoff paused. "Let's get him home."

"I'll carry him." Anna had to hold him; she had to keep him safe. Kristoff helped her gather Bae, the calf moaned feebly when he was moved. Anna could feel his hot little breaths against her neck.

Kristoff kicked down another icicle to give Anna more room to carry Bae out, the cracking sound made Elsa jump again. Anna sat on the back of the sled, cradling Bae gently against her, her eyes downcast.

Elsa stood undecided, glancing between the puddle of blood on the ground and the sled. Kristoff gave her a look, lifting one shoulder in a gesture that she hoped was an invitation. She edged towards them, uncertain, because, really, she shouldn't be offered a lift. But Kristoff waited, jaw set, until she was sitting next to him before urging Sven forwards.

No one said a word until they were home.

Kristoff went to Anna; she was curled around Bae, and there was a wet patch on his fur where her tears had dripped down off her cheeks.

"Anna," he said softly. "Give him to me."

"He needs me," she protested in a tiny voice.

"I promise you, I will do everything I can for him. I won't leave his side."

"He's not allowed to die. You can't let him die." Anna leant her cheek softly on Bae's nose. His breaths were coming less frequently now, and they weren't as strong as they should be.

"You have my word," Kristoff gently began disentangling them. "I will stay by his side all night, I won't leave him, I'll do everything I can."

Anna was covered in blood; she put streaks of it on her cheeks when she tried to wipe her tears away. She gulped, one hand staying in Bae's fur for as long as possible. "Make sure he's safe."

"I will," Kristoff said. "Get yourself cleaned up; get some rest."

Anna nodded, and watched Kristoff disappear into the stables with her little reindeer. She stayed where she was, sitting in a bloody huddle, until she was aware of Elsa standing a little way off, watching her. And she knew without looking that Elsa had her arms wrapped around herself, shoulders hunched. Anna sniffed. "Why did you come back?"

"I heard you scream."

Anna picked at the blood drying on her arms. She kept her eyes determinedly down. "Would you have run away? If I hadn't screamed?"

It didn't need to be answered, because they both knew. Anna heard Elsa move; it was away from her and not towards her. Elsa was ready to run again, poised to flee at any moment.

"Will you tell me why?"

Elsa looked up, confused. "What?"

"Why did you try to kill yourself? And why didn't anyone tell me?" Anna continued scratching at the blood on her arms, keeping her gaze off Elsa, because if she looked at Elsa now, met her eyes, Elsa would run.

Elsa did not answer.

"There's something wrong with you. You're ill. And no one told me." Anna looked up, training her gaze a little to Elsa's left. "If I'd known-"

"It's okay," Elsa whispered. "You . . . you don't have to say anything."

"One of us has to."

"I'm . . . fine . . ."

"You're not fine!" Anna jumped off the sled.

Elsa took a step back.

"_You're not fine_! I can see it. You're not hiding behind closed doors anymore and now I can see you, and I can see that you're not _right_."

Elsa shrank away from Anna's outburst, arms tightening around her stomach. "I'm fine," she whispered again, but she couldn't make herself meet Anna's eyes. _Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show._

"Why didn't you tell me? I would've helped. I would have tried to help. I _want_ to help."

_Make one wrong move and everyone will know._ "Because . . . Because you weren't supposed to know."

_Well, now she knows._

Anna didn't know what to say. She just stared at her sister, feeling as though everything was slipping away from her. All the doors they had opened were slamming shut in her face. She was suddenly uncomfortable, suddenly aware of the fact that she covered in drying blood and dirt.

Anna turned away first, and went into the castle without looking back, leaving Elsa standing next to the sled, hands intertwined.

Elsa stayed where she was for a few minutes, wondering what to do next. She glanced towards the stables, then went inside to find Kristoff.

He was bent over Bae in the straw, surrounded by gauze and bandages.

"Will he survive?" Elsa asked, slightly afraid of the answer.

Kristoff didn't look up. His voice was thick. "I don't think so."

Elsa didn't wait to hear more. She went back to her room, purposely avoiding Anna. It was dark by now, and she liked it that way. She sat on the edge of her bed, looking out towards the stars. She didn't know how much time had passed before there was a polite knock on her open door, and she knew it wasn't Anna.

"Yes?" She didn't turn around.

Kai came inside, and studied the stars with her. "Princess Anna wanted me to check on you. She's afraid."

Elsa shrugged.

"Don't do anything stupid," Kai said quietly.

Elsa knew exactly what he was talking about. She swallowed hard. "You said you would never bring that up again."

"I know I did. But Princess Anna is afraid that you're going to try it again. Shall I tell her not to worry?"

Elsa took a deep breath. "No. Don't tell her that."

"That implies that she might need to worry." Kai looked down at her. "I'm going to have someone watch you tonight."

"Fine." It had been a very long time since someone kept suicide watch over her. And last time, it had been her father.

She wished it was again.

* * *

><p>"Anna?"<p>

She was woken by a soft whisper. She burrowed determinedly into her pillow. She had had a long, stressful, and very disappointing day. She just wanted to sleep and, for a while at least, forget all the things that were going wrong.

"Anna. Wake up, feisty pants."

She groaned. "Go away, Kristoff."

Then her brain started ticking and she sat upright, almost knocking him out. "Kristoff! What are you doing here?"

She couldn't make out his face in the dark.

"Wait," she said, shaking off the last remnants of sleep. "You said you were going to stay with Bae. You weren't going to leave his side."

"I'm sorry, Anna." He wrapped his arms around her, pulled her close to him.

She breathed in deeply; he was warm and smelled like straw. She squeezed her eyes closed. "Is . . . Is Bae dead?"

His grip tightened for a moment, she felt him swallow. "Yes."

"Oh, Kristoff," she gripped fistfuls of his shirt, trying to hold onto something that was real and _there_. She sobbed into his chest. He sat with her, holding her, until her sobs finally subsided and she felt a bit heavier against his chest.

He tried to ease her back into bed without waking her, but she wouldn't let him go. "Stay with me."

"Elsa will flip," Kristoff said.

"She won't know. And I don't care." Anna grappled him down with her. "Stay."

He couldn't exactly say no.

* * *

><p>Elsa sat with her back against the foot of the bed, staring at the carpet. She wanted to be sitting in bed, it was more comfortable, but ice in the bed was a hassle and bits of it kept escaping from her against her will. She sighed, and glanced towards the door.<p>

A guard was sitting there, across the hall, looking very prim and serious.

Elsa could order him to leave, if she wanted. She could slam the door closed. But she was afraid of what she would do behind closed doors, where no one could see her. A long time passed, then Elsa finally got up to go to bed.

The actions she might take behind a closed door paled in comparison to the thoughts she saw behind closed eyes that night.

* * *

><p><em>She is standing on the edge of the fjord. She can see her parents' ship leaving. They are waving.<em>

_The ship tips slightly, from one side to the other, and then it inexplicably breaks in half. Elsa can hear screaming, from all sides, above her and behind her and in front of her. She sees the ship start sinking; her parents are calling to her._

"_Help us, Elsa! Help us!"_

I'm coming_, she thinks. _I'm coming._ She steps onto the fjord, it freezes below her feet. She can use her powers for good, for once. She can get to her parents and save them. She starts running, ice crackling and forming below her as she runs across the water._

_They are in the water now; the waves are tossing them around. They keep calling; the screaming is still echoing around her. She is running, running, but she's not getting any closer._

_They go under, for a terrifying moment, then her father surfaces again. "Elsa, help us!"_

I am, I'm coming now_. She keeps running, the ice is growing out of control now, but she's so close she can almost, _almost_ reach out and pull them to safety._

_She stops, but the ice does not. It keeps growing, taking over the whole fjord, trapping the raging sea water beneath it._

_And her parents._

No, no, no,_ Elsa snatches her hands to her chest, trying to draw her powers inside again. She can see them, her parents, under the ice, staring up at her with horrified expressions. They are clawing to get out, they are trapped underwater._

_She has trapped them. And she can't free them, because she can't make her ice go away. She can only watch in horror as they slowly turn blue, slowly stop clawing at the ice, and finally drift away from her, swept senselessly under the ice._

_She couldn't save them. Her powers did the opposite, they can't save anyone. She turns around, and there is Anna, a blue, frozen statue._

"_She said that you froze her heart."_

_Anna!_

"_Your sister is dead . . . because of you!"_

_Elsa drops to her knees, the ground under her erupts in pointed icicles. _I can't control the curse.

_That's okay, you can just unfreeze it._

_Anna, please, you'll only make it worse!_

_There's so much fear._

_You're not safe here._

* * *

><p>Elsa snapped awake in a terrifying, heart stopping moment, caught halfway between dreams and reality. She gulped for air, because she was suffocating, but the air was thick and heavy and offered her no relief.<p>

She was drowning, she was drowning in her own thoughts, Elsa thrashed about, trying to free herself from her blankets; she was firing off ice at an alarming rate, but she didn't even notice. Finally, _finally_, she was free, and she kicked her blankets away, curling into a ball, arms wrapped around herself where they belonged, breathing ragged.

She kept her eyes open, because she was afraid of what she might see if she closed them again.

"Queen Elsa?" The guard spoke softly; Elsa could hear that he hadn't come into the room.

"I'm fine," she said shortly. She knew she was lying. She really didn't care.

The guard said nothing else.

Elsa trapped her bottom lip between her teeth, resisted the urge to go back to sleep. She could stay awake all night. She liked the dark. You couldn't see all the bad things in the dark.

* * *

><p>Anna woke up the next morning tangled with Kristoff, and the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was a damp spot on the front of his shirt. She rubbed her eyes, they were sore and red from several fits of crying throughout the night.<p>

She nudged Kristoff. "Wake up."

"Hm?" He opened his eyes sleepily.

"Thanks," she said. "For, you know, doing everything you could. And for being here for me. I really needed someone last night."

"Any time," he said, and he meant it.

"I should get up," Anna mused. "Check on Elsa." It was going to be a heavy day, she knew, because Elsa was not going to just wake up and declare that yes, actually, she was a wreck and she could really use some help.

Kristoff stayed where he was, watching her as she moved around the room, opening the curtains, brushing her hair. He cleared his throat softly. "Do you want to be there when I bury him?"

Anna froze mid-way through brushing. She stared at him, as though she hadn't even thought that far into the day. She hesitated. "I don't know."

Another burial ran through her mind, a sombre day of downcast expressions, with no one at her side. She closed her eyes for a moment, then nodded. "Yes. Please. I want to be there."

"Okay. Let me know when you're ready."

She would never be ready, but she nodded nonetheless. "Okay."

He sat up. "I should go. Um, come find me when . . . when you find me."

"Yeah."

He ran a hand through his hair, awkward. Wondering what to say. "Um . . . I'll see you."

"Yeah."

An awkward silence descended, then Kristoff finally pulled himself together and stood up. He hurried from her room, and she continued her morning routine. She was nearly ready when Kai knocked on the door and called to her.

"I'm up!" she shouted, running to the door to open it and prove her point. "See?"

"Good morning, Princess," Kai said. "Breakfast is ready."

"Great, I'll be there in a . . . Kai?" Her voice was suddenly less bold, less cheerful.

He waited patiently, but his expression said he wasn't going to like what she was going to ask.

"Did you know?"

"Know about what, your highness?"

"Know about . . . Elsa." Anna found herself struggling for words. She didn't want to say it, but as always the words just blurted out against her will. "That she tried to kill herself. Did you know? How did she try it? And why? And why wasn't I told?"

Kai took a step back, slightly overwhelmed by her onslaught so early in the morning. "Princess, I was asked to never speak about it again. I gave your father and your sister my word."

"So you did know?"

He sighed in defeat. "Yes. That's all I am saying on the matter." He bowed, ready to retreat from her questioning.

"What is because of me?" Anna asked just one last question to his disappearing back.

He paused mid stride. "Perhaps you should talk to your sister."

Oh sure. Because that's worked _so_ well in the past. What did she have to lose, she asked herself. It couldn't hurt to try again. On her way to Elsa's room, Anna actually took the time to think about what was going to say.

She was always so brash, spoke without thinking, blurted out thoughts at random. Maybe she needed to approach this more like Elsa.

Carefully.

"Elsa?" Anna was happy to the see that the door was open. She gave a slight wave to the guard who was still sitting there; he just nodded and remained stoically silent.

Elsa was sitting on the bench under the window, watching the sun rising. She was resting her face in the palm of one hand.

There was ice scattered around the room.

Anna picked her way through it carefully. She sat down next to Elsa and noticed – pretended not to – that Elsa edged a bit further away.

There were dark rings under her eyes, evidence of a sleepless night.

"Are you coming to breakfast?" A safe, easy question to start with.

Elsa shook her head.

"I can take care of whatever it is you need to do today." She wanted to keep busy, anyway. Keep her mind off of reindeers.

"You can do all that?" Elsa sounded curious, as though a thought was passing through her mind that she hadn't considered before.

"Sure. I mean, I'm not as good at it as you are, but I know what to do. Mama taught me, too, you know."

Elsa finally turned her head to look at Anna, her heavy blue eyes lingering on the puffy redness of Anna's.

Anna's patience had run out, though. "Can I ask you how?" She broke eye contact first, because staring at Elsa would make her feel trapped. "How did you try to kill yourself? And . . . why didn't it work?"

Elsa heaved a sigh, her eyes slid closed. "I don't want to talk about it." She never did, and she never would.

Another thought occurred to Anna. She hesitated, wondering if bringing this up would make things better or worse. But she _had_ to know . . . "Elsa . . . that day on the fjord . . ."

The coronation. Elsa's eyes opened again, they were dark and guarded.

"I . . . I heard Hans draw his sword, and I was much further away than you were."

Elsa waited for the question, but she already knew it.

"If I heard it, then you heard it." Anna's voice was imploring. "Why didn't you do anything?"

Elsa's answer was exactly what Anna thought it would be. "I thought it would be better that way. If . . . if someone killed me rather than me doing it to myself."

"So . . . you knew what he was going to do?"

Elsa nodded.

"And you were going to let him?"

No reaction. Elsa was staring out the window again.

"Elsa." Anna reached a hand forward, towards Elsa's arm. She didn't touch her though, but the action had, as Anna had known it would, caught Elsa's undivided attention. "Promise me you won't do anything like that again. Promise me you won't . . . try to take your own life."

There was a tense silence, in which Anna hoped and Elsa ached, because when she finally spoke it was not the words Anna wanted to hear. "I won't make a promise I can't keep."

Anna's hand fell to her side again. She stared at the floor, taking several deep breaths because her sister had all but admitted that she was going to try it again. She moved fast, because surprise was probably a good thing right now, and flung her arms around Elsa before she could escape.

Elsa was rigid and tense, a block of ice in Anna's arms, her hands half raised against Anna's attack, and now they were just sitting there doing nothing because she had no idea what she was supposed to do. She felt Anna's warm tears run onto her shoulder.

"I'll do everything today," Anna said. "But I've got to bury Bae first."

If it was possible, Elsa tensed even more.

"I won't be long." Anna sniffed, and when she let Elsa go and sat up a bit straighter, there were no more tears spilling from her eyes. "Do you still need the guard?" She was going to make sure he stayed anyway, because even if Elsa said 'no', Anna wasn't sure she trusted her after that last comment.

Elsa's gaze dropped downwards. Her lack of an answer was answer enough.

Anna sighed. "Okay." She stood up. "I'll be back once . . . Bae . . ." She trailed off.

There wasn't anything else to say, and even if there had been, Elsa wasn't going to volunteer it. Anna left her sitting alone, and she could hear the ice growing as she walked away.

* * *

><p>Kristoff was already in the stables, he stopped what he was doing when she entered and reached for a shovel. He motioned to a corner. "He's there if you want to say good bye."<p>

There was a small bundle wrapped in a blanket, lying perfectly still.

Anna swallowed hard, feeling slightly sick. It was not with disgust, it was disappointment. The future had looked so bright for the calf. He had been running and jumping . . .

She forced herself to approach the blanket, because she needed to check on him, one last time. Make sure he was peaceful. Make sure he was comfortable, because he had needed her so much and she had to do this _one last thing_ for him.

She pulled back a corner of the blanket. He looked asleep, perfectly still and serene with his eyes closed. She touched his head, childishly hoping he would flick an ear, blink at her, squeak and nuzzle into the warmth of her hand.

He was cold.

She drew her hand back again, biting her lip to stifle a sob. She felt something nudge her shoulder, and was surprised to look back and see Sven there, his eyes concerned. He butted her gently, making a low questioning sound. _Are you alright?_

"I'll be okay," she assured him, patting his nose. She straightened up, squaring her shoulders and steeling herself to the task ahead.

Kristoff gathered Bae gently, and carried him and the shovel outside. "Where do you want him?"

"Under the tree." Anna walked at Kristoff's side, looking at the blanket in his arms and making sure he was gentle, and didn't jostle the little reindeer. "He'll be safe there."

It was a melancholy morning. Kristoff dug silently, keeping his head down, while Sven remained glued to Anna's side as she gathered flowers. When Kristoff was ready, Anna brought the flowers over and stood at the edge of the gaping hole in the earth. She stared into it, a great black pit of nothingness, and felt a tightness in her chest. Sven nudged her again, comfortingly.

"Ready?" Kristoff asked, looking searchingly at her face.

She nodded, but she wasn't, really. She wasn't ready to let Bae go. He was so young, and she shouldn't have had to worry about this for years.

"There." Kristoff settled the bundle into the hole. "He can watch you. See?"

A corner of the blanket pointed towards Anna's window in the castle. She smiled, wanly, through unshed tears. "And I can see him."

"Yeah." Kristoff shovelled the dug earth back into place. Silence came over them again. After a long pause, Anna placed her bunch of flowers on the top of the mound.

She clasped her hands together in front of her. "Can you make him a grave stone?"

"Of course."

"So no one will forget that he's here, and bother him too much."

"I'll do it today."

A slight breeze washed over them, and Anna started when she saw a little blue spiral take shape over Bae's grave. It slowly twisted, and changed, until it was a tiny reindeer calf, carved in ice.

Anna looked behind her.

Elsa looked closed off and nervous, but she was _there_, her eyes searching Anna's for some clue as to what she was feeling.

"You came?" Anna couldn't hide the surprise in her voice, but it was mixed in with awe and relief and so didn't sound too accusing.

Elsa came to her side, looking at the fresh earth. "I already made you go to one funeral alone."

Anna leaned instinctively towards her sister, longing, yearning, for comfort and closeness and the contact she didn't get four years ago. Elsa, very hesitantly, opened her arms, because this was the right thing to do, wasn't it? It was a very light touch at first, mostly questioning, because she was absolutely terrified that Anna would reject her the same way she had done to Anna for years.

But Anna didn't, she gripped Elsa with such fierceness that the Queen gave a slight jump before returning the embrace. She rested her head on Anna's shoulder, closing her eyes and just being there, like she hadn't been for so long. Anna was warm and close, and Elsa wanted time to stop.

Anna thought that this was the turning point; this was where everything would get better. Elsa had come to her, Elsa had _reached_ _out_ to her. Things were looking up; this was the start of another period in their lives. This was the change, the difference, that Anna had been waiting for all week.

If she could read Elsa's mind, she wouldn't have been so content and quietly happy.

Because Elsa's thoughts were very different to hers.

_At least her last memory of me will be a good one._

**I'll update very soon, I promise. I won't leave you all hanging on that.**

**SpicedGold**


	9. Chapter 9 - Never Letting her Go

Chapter 9 – Never Letting Her Go

**Okay, nobody panic! (You'll understand that at the end of the chapter) I'd just like to throw it out there that I'm a sucker for happy endings, sort of, so we can all just hang onto that.**

**WARNINGS: This chapter contains attempted suicide and a grand total of one censored swear word.**

"You've got Elsa on suicide watch?" Kristoff questioned later in the day. "Isn't that over kill?" It was a poor choice of words, but Anna didn't even notice.

She was sitting at Elsa's desk, in the study, dutifully taking care of everything for the day. She gave him an annoyed look. "What would _you_ do?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "Do you really think she'll, um . . .?"

Anna sighed. "I don't know what to think anymore. She's been fine one day, then really closed off the next. Then handling everything, then running away. Then talking, then closing herself in her room." The uncertainty of it – Elsa's emotional and mental stability – was starting to weigh Anna down.

Anna had always been able to focus on different things, to see the good, the bright side, the silver linings. She could smile at the beauty in the world; she could turn off the bad when it got too much for her. But Elsa, it seemed, could not.

Anna imagined if everything that had ever gone wrong in her life was still with her. If she carried every tragedy in her heart, she would be crushed under their massive weight.

So how was it that Elsa was still standing, bearing all that she did?

* * *

><p>Elsa was covering the room in ice.<p>

The guard outside the door remained tactfully silent, as she stood in the centre of her room and, with lazy swipes of her arm, encased the floor in a layer of ice, and sent it spiralling up the walls, crawling along the ceiling. It layered over everything, sculpting her room in perfect, shining ice.

She looked around herself, her feelings blank, arms dropping to her sides. Her reflection stared back at her, bouncing off every facet of ice in the room, surrounding her. She did not like what she was seeing.

All she could see was a scared little girl, trying to hide from the person she had become. There was so much she had to be, and it meant she couldn't be herself. The ice mirrored her anguish, and pointed fingers started reaching inwards, growing from the walls, aiming towards her.

"Queen Elsa?" the guard stood up, slightly alarmed at the spears that were starting to move towards her. "Is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine," she snapped, arms folding across her stomach, because what else could she say? She watched the ice, and she knew why it was so distressed, because it was who she was, and it was her thoughts, and she didn't like what she was thinking.

She bit her lower lip, tensely, and said shortly, "Get Anna."

The guard, understandably, hesitated.

"Now," she said firmly.

He nodded. "Yes, your Majesty."

Once he was gone, Elsa sent a sheet of ice across the door frame, blocking it off. She didn't want to close the door, because Anna hated closed doors, and Elsa didn't want the last thing Anna thought of her to be that she had closed the door again.

* * *

><p>"Can you even cure something like depression?" Anna said, scrambling through the drawers in the desk, because <em>maybe<em> there was something helpful in one of them. "I mean, it's not like being normal kind of sick, where you just take some medicine, is it?"

"What are we looking for, again?" Kristoff asked, then sneezed because he was looking through the dusty bookshelf, at Anna's insistence. "These are mostly just boring old books on . . . something. This one isn't even in English."

"It's probably in Latin." Anna said dismissively. "But that's not important. We know what's wrong with Elsa, so we can fix it." She was trying to be cheerful, trying to be brave, but she knew that just because you knew what something was didn't mean it could be fixed.

_That's okay, you can just unfreeze it._

_No I can't. I don't know how._

_Oh, Elsa,_ Anna thought_. You think that way about too many things . . . _She was about to add something when there was a knock at the door. "Yup?" she called out, very informally.

"Princess Anna," the guard opened the door. He gave a shallow, hurried bow. "Queen Elsa wishes to speak with you."

"What?" Anna shot to her feet. "Is she okay?"

There was a brief pause, because the question was almost impossible to answer. "Uh . . ."

"You didn't leave her alone, did you?" Anna didn't know why, but the mere thought of Elsa unsupervised sent her heart racing.

Kristoff picked up on her panic, and put a hand on her shoulder. "Anna, it's okay."

"What if it isn't?" She darted from the room, an inexplicable feeling of dread coming over her. _Please, Elsa, don't do anything stupid._ Their last conversation petrified her.

"_Promise me you won't do anything like that again. Promise me you won't . . . try to take your own life."_

"_I won't make a promise I can't keep."_

Anna came to a screeching halt outside Elsa's room, heart pounding and breath panting, and stared at the wall of ice in front of her. "Elsa?" she sounded hesitant, because she had no idea what lay behind the ice.

She could see nothing through the ice, no distorted movement indicating that Elsa was up and about and alive and well. "Elsa!"

Kristoff caught up to Anna, her sudden dash from the study had left him behind. "Is everything okay?"

"Break this ice down," she demanded, without explanation. She stood back, clearly expecting him to just leap through it like a battering ram.

Kristoff blinked. "Wh-"

"_Now_!"

"Okay," he yelped. He pushed experimentally against the ice, trying to gauge how thick it was. "Anna, we're going to need something to-"

Anna was already running, and she returned dragging a chair behind her. "Here."

"Really?" Kristoff raised an eyebrow, but he picked the chair up anyway and swung it, hard, at the barricade of ice. There was a loud splintering sound, followed by cracking, then the chair buckled in half.

The ice, however, did not have a scratch.

Anna had never wanted a flamethrower more than she did at that moment.

"Princess Anna?" Kai came jogging towards them. He handed her an axe. "Try this."

Anna handed the axe to Kristoff, and questioned Kai. "Did you expect this?"

"No. But the guard alerted me to the fact that you were running around screaming."

"So you came after her with an axe?" Kristoff grunted, hammering away with powerful blows.

Kai sent Anna a sad look. "It's how your father used to get in."

Anna stared at the wall of ice. "She used to do this . . . a lot?"

"Enough," Kai confirmed. He winced as Kristoff's axe slipped and cut into the doorframe.

"Almost," Kristoff said. A few more blows, and the ice shattered.

Anna shoved him aside, and clambered over the wreckage.

The room was unrecognizable, a cavern of thick ice reaching from all corners of the room. Pillars blocked her view, mounds of snow made it impossible to see more than a few feet in front of her. Anna felt completely disorientated, there was no possible way to tell which way would lead her to Elsa, and the ice reflected and refracted and distorted everything in an impossible maze. Anna tried to take a step forward, but the space which looked unoccupied was blocked by a transparent sheet of ice, and she nearly walked straight into it.

She cautiously edged around it, keeping her hands in front of her to help guide her. Another step into the room, and the ice groaned and grew, new spikes crossing into her path, blocking off the door again. The ground changed and shook underneath her; she grappled with the spikes around her for balance.

This was what the inside of Elsa looked like, Anna realised. Dangerous and pointed, and twisting and confusing. Trapping itself. It was a nightmare, with terrifying echoes and shudders.

Anna swallowed hard, taking another tentative step forwards. She had to find Elsa, somewhere in this maze that changed around her, blocked off paths that had been open, closed off areas she had stepped into.

She kept moving, slowly.

* * *

><p>Elsa was sitting very still, eyes half closed, listening to the ice morph around her. It was wild and unsettled, groaning with every beat of her heart. This was worse than it had been on the North Mountain, the pointed icicles weren't just reaching in towards her, they branched off and made jagged and lethal blades everywhere.<p>

She knew that only a minute or so had passed, but the ice had gone completely out of control as soon as she had covered the door, and she was now trapped where she sat, knees to her chest, occasionally checking where the ice was going. A few spikes were pressing against her, nudging painfully against her skin, but she didn't mind.

She wasn't really paying attention to them.

She was paying more attention to the icicle in her hand, studying the sharp edge, changing it from a cone to a blade. She gripped it tightly, the cold edges dug into her skin. The tip was sharp and thin, because, she knew, thin blades didn't hurt as much.

She turned her other hand palm up, drew the tip of the blade softly against the skin of her wrist, not cutting, just pressing, just getting a feel for it. The ice around her creaked, grew, changed. Her hands were steady; there was no hesitation in her movements, no doubt at all.

She let the tip of the blade rest on her wrist again.

* * *

><p>Elsa's room wasn't that big, but Anna felt like it had gone on forever. She was afraid to call out, in case Elsa got a fright and did something stupid. Or, worse, in case she didn't receive an answer because . . .<p>

Anna punched at a drift of snow, irritated by it. She caught a glimpse of movement reflected around her, and the ice pressed in a bit closer, nearly trapped her. She squeezed to a more open area, sliding easily against the icy walls, and then she could see Elsa.

Well, sort of. She could see a reflection of Elsa. Dozens of them, all around her, which meant that the real Elsa had to be somewhere nearby, and she was fine because she was sitting up and-

Anna saw the position Elsa's hands were in, and she felt her heart drop. The blood rushed from her head, everything felt numb, and then there was a burning fear in her chest, a sudden weakness in her knees. "No," she whispered, looking around desperately for a gap, for a way to reach Elsa before-

* * *

><p>The very tip of the blade pierced skin, Elsa let out a tiny whimper, because it hurt, but then the blood started flowing and she paused, watching it. Bright, crimson red against the pale cream of her skin. It was <em>warm<em>.

* * *

><p>"Elsa, don't!" Anna slipped, it was bound to happen sometime, and landed half on top of Elsa. She didn't care, she grappled to get hold of Elsa's hands, ignoring the stinging that started in the palm of her hand, because she had grabbed the blade where it was touching Elsa's wrist.<p>

Elsa jerked, instinctively trying to get away from contact, because she was dangerous and cold and – she felt the blade meet her arm again, slicing deeply into flesh.

Anna was talking, shouting, but Elsa was staring at her arm, at the little cut on her wrist that was still dripping, and at the new, massive gash about halfway to her elbow that was a diagonal crimson line for one heartbeat, and then began gushing blood.

It ran down her skin in a spider web, but Elsa's mindless observation was interrupted by Anna grabbing her arm in both her hands, holding tightly, still shouting something.

"What are you doing?" Elsa whispered, still watching the blood, and she missed the completely incredulous look Anna gave her because, really, that should be Anna's question.

"Stopping you from being a complete idiot, you dumb f***!" Anna was furious, and terrified, and she didn't know what she was feeling, and the sheer volume of her emotions made her forget politeness and propriety.

"But . . ." Elsa tried to pull her arm free from Anna's vice grip.

"Don't you _dare_ move! I swear to god, Elsa, I will smash your head into the ice until you are freakin' unconscious if you so much as _blink_!" If possible, Anna's hold on Elsa's arm tightened.

Elsa winced, squeezing her eyes closed. She could still feel the blood moving, dripping, and the ice around them was still changing. It was a lot of blood, she realised, and she noticed that her arm was a bit numb, and the world a bit hazy.

Anna's yelling seemed very far away – Elsa could hear a few choice words she didn't think she would ever hear her sister use – and Elsa let herself slump against the ice, eyes remaining closed. It would have been peaceful if not for Anna's continued blasphemy, and Elsa felt a little flicker of irritation towards her, but then it was over powered by the knowledge that the word seemed very far away and soothing.

The ice was cool, and familiar. She was happy to let it hold her up, because she couldn't hold herself up any more.

* * *

><p>Kristoff and Kai followed the sounds of Anna's unbelievable litany through the ever changing maze of Elsa's room, and on seeing the sheer volume of blood spreading across the ice, Kai immediately turned and ran as best he could from the room, hollering for help.<p>

Anna turned a face as white as the snow around them to Kristoff. Her hands were numb, Elsa was cold and still, but she refused to let go, stubbornly believing that she was lessening the flow of blood.

"I'm not letting go," she said, her voice a hoarse ghost of a whisper. "I'm never letting her go again."


	10. Chapter 10 - Tell Me Why

Chapter 10 – Tell Me Why

**Hello everyone who is still following me down the rabbit hole. I thought I might have scared you all off last chapter. Time for feels :-)**

"Hey," Kristoff said softly, tapping on Anna's door later that day. "Um . . . you okay?"

"Been better," Anna admitted. She put down the letter she had been reading, and glanced at Elsa, lying asleep in bed next to her.

"Will she be alright?" Kristoff came a little bit into the room.

Anna sighed. "Well, the doctors stopped the bleeding, and totally drugged her so she'll rest, but . . ." she stopped. "But she tried to kill herself, Kristoff."

"I know." He came a little closer. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to see that."

She sat up straight, and he leaned down to hug her.

"Do you need to take a break?" Kristoff asked. "We can get someone else to sit with her."

Anna shook her head. "No, I'm okay. I want to be here. And Kai brought all Elsa's work here, I already did that. Everything is under control."

"Okay, but you still have to eat," Kristoff pointed out. "When are you expecting her to wake up?"

"A few hours, maybe. Probably in the night."

"I'll make sure you get something to eat sent to you. But are you sure you'll be okay?"

"She's still breathing," Anna said softly. "So I'm okay."

"I'll check on you again soon," Kristoff said, backing away towards the door. He paused in the doorway, to offer her a consoling smile and a little wave.

She smiled back. When Kristoff closed the door, Anna leant over Elsa, and whispered softly into her ear, "Elsa? Can you hear me? You have to wake up soon, you know."

She didn't really mind, because for the first time in a long time, Elsa looked peaceful. The little crease between her eyebrows that she had when she was awake was not present. The tight set of her jaw had relaxed, and the tense line of her shoulders was relaxed. She was breathing evenly, hair falling untidily over her eyes, and the hand Anna could see wasn't gripping into the sheets the way Anna knew Elsa usually did in her sleep.

It just saddened Anna to know that the only way Elsa ever got to rest was via a drug induced coma.

* * *

><p>It was the middle of the night when Anna felt Elsa move against her back. She pried her eyes open, looking into a room devoid of light.<p>

The sky was asleep, which meant Elsa should be asleep too. But she was squirming next to Anna, shifting, most likely caught in some sort of nightmare.

Anna turned around to face her sister, and the little bit of light the moon provided showed that the crease between Elsa's eyes was back, and her jaw was clenched again, and the sheets were crinkled from where Elsa's fists were locked into them.

"Elsa," Anna said softly. "Elsa, wake up. It's just a dream. I'm here, and you're fine."

Elsa's shifting did not stop; she turned around violently, nearly colliding with Anna. Anna, carefully, put her arms around Elsa, holding her still.

"Elsa? Wanna wake up now?"

Elsa relaxed a little, the tense set of her muscles loosened. Her eyes flickered, then opened.

"Hi," Anna said, moving back a little bit in order to see her a bit more clearly. Not that it was easy in the dark, but Anna was glad for it. Elsa was approachable in the dark. "How are you feeling?"

She had initially been going to ask 'are you okay' but she realised that she already knew the answer to that.

Elsa blinked, several times, her eyes unfocused and vague. "Where am I?"

"We're in my bed," Anna supplied. "Yours was covered in ice."

Elsa frowned. "Why . . . am I here?"

Anna cocked her head to one side. "Do you know what you did?"

"I know what you stopped me from doing."

It was a very discomforting answer, Anna hadn't been expecting Elsa to suddenly transform into someone chipper and upbeat, but she also hadn't been expecting Elsa to sound . . . disappointed.

"Elsa . . . we need to talk about this."

Elsa tried to break out of Anna's hold, but luckily she was completely out of it, and Anna easily kept Elsa trapped in her arms. "Anna-"

"I'm not letting you go. We need to talk." Anna punctuated her point by holding Elsa a bit tighter.

Elsa squirmed once, trying to see if Anna would let go, but when she realised she was effectively trapped she gave up and lay still. She remained stubbornly silent.

"I read the rest of Mama's letters," Anna said, closing her own eyes, because she knew Elsa hated being watched. "I know what you tried to do. I know when you tried it. But I don't know _why_." She sighed. "What was so terrible that you felt like there was no other way out?"

There was a sudden drop in temperature in the room, evidence of Elsa's unease.

"It was everything," she finally whispered. It wasn't much of an answer, but Anna waited, keeping her mouth shut, because it felt like Elsa might continue only if she was not pressured. A long silence stretched out between them, and after a while Anna felt Elsa relaxing slightly. She was not bracing against Anna's hold. "And there was no point . . . to anything."

Elsa was always more open in the dark, she felt safer where she could not be seen. And hating the light must be a terrible burden for someone in the public eye to bear. So Anna stayed quiet, because the darkness would answer all her questions if she just gave Elsa the time to work through them at her own pace.

"There was so much that I had to be. And to do that, to make Papa proud and make Arendelle proud, I had to stop being _me_. Because the person who I was, who I was born as, is not meant to be a queen. Or anything. And then suddenly I was eighteen, and everything was real. I wasn't practicing anymore, I wasn't pretending to be someone: I had to actually be a ruler. I was doing so much for Papa. And the only way to be . . . Queen of Arendelle was to not be 'Elsa' anymore."

More silence, broken only by the halting rhythm of Elsa's breathing as she tried to keep herself under control.

"I don't get to be _me_ anymore, I'm just playing a part here. And everything is too much; I'm not good enough. I just can't do this . . ."

There were a thousand things Anna wanted to say. She wanted to ask Elsa why she thought the only way out of that was death. Why couldn't she ask for help, why couldn't she just tell people what she was going through? There was not a person in Arendelle who wouldn't help her if she needed it.

She wanted to ask what Elsa thought would happen if she died; did she think Anna would just carry on for her as though nothing had happened? Did she think Anna wouldn't notice her absence? Did she think Papa would be proud of her quitting?

But Anna didn't say anything, because the night was Elsa's domain, and she would have her say when the sun was shining and the world was bright. And she pressed her face against the top of Elsa's head, because she realised that the day and night were who they were on the inside, and she desperately wanted Elsa to share her sunshine.

Elsa shouldn't be in the dark all the time; she shouldn't be hiding who she was. She shouldn't be hiding at all. Maybe, if Anna could get Elsa to open her doors, the light would shine in.

* * *

><p>Elsa tried to sneak away the next morning. She took advantage of the fact that Anna was impossible to wake in the mornings to edge away from her and sit up on the edge of the bed. She kept her back to Anna, and stared at her hands.<p>

One forearm was tightly bandaged, and sore, and she flexed that hand, feeling the wounds pull and ache. She started to unwrap the bandage, but a questioning sound from behind her made her pause.

"What're you doing?" Anna mumbled, eyes only half open.

"Anna, go back to sleep." Elsa said, keeping her eyes down.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"If I close my eyes, there's no guarantee you'll still be here when I open them."

"And how would that be different from the last thirteen years?" Elsa jumped slightly as Anna moved behind her, and wrapped her arms around her sister, leaning her chin on her shoulder. "Anna?"

"The last thirteen years, I knew you were listening. I could hear you laugh when I told jokes. I could hear you walk to the door when I knocked. I could _hear_ you. And that gave me so much hope, because I knew things could change. I couldn't see you, but I knew you were there. And I know you're here now."

Elsa let Anna reached out and rewrap the bandage on her wrist.

"And I know you're just not thinking clearly at the moment. I know you like being alone. I know being watched all the time bothers you. And I know me being around all the time bothers you too, but . . . until we've sorted this out; I'm not leaving your side."

Anna let Elsa go, and sat back on her heels. Elsa turned her head ever so slightly to see where Anna was.

Anna sighed. "I've never been so scared before, never in my life, as when I saw you with a knife of ice pressed against your wrist. Nothing else has ever made me feel so terrified and helpless. This whole week has been a nightmare for me, and I know it has for you too, but Elsa, please. Nightmares . . . you can wake up from them, and see that the world is okay. I've already woken up without Bae. Don't make me wake up without you as well."

Elsa said nothing, but she did move backwards further onto the bed, angling her body towards Anna but keeping her head turned away for as long as possible. Anna lay down as well, looking searchingly at Elsa for some clue as to what she was thinking.

There was very raw pain in Elsa's eyes when she finally found the strength to meet Anna's, a silent plea for something. Anna hoped it was for help. She put her arms around Elsa again, and Elsa very cautiously returned the embrace.

Some fleeting memory crossed Anna's mind – she couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. But she knew that, at some point, Elsa had held her before, and had been feeling just the same: vulnerable and heartbreakingly unhappy, and pained, childish words rang through her head, _You're okay, Anna. I got you._

She didn't know where the thought had come from, maybe it was just a dream, but it felt so real, and she squeezed her eyes shut, whispered, "You're okay, Elsa. I got you."

Elsa drew in a rather sharp breath at Anna's words, and pressed into her sister, hiding her face. Her voice sounded shuddery when she finally spoke, "I'm sorry, Anna."

"For what?"

"For everything."

"It's okay. We can fix this."

"But-"

"You need to rest first," Anna cut Elsa off, because she was worried Elsa was going to say that it didn't need fixing. "I'm doing everything again today. All your work, I've got it covered." She patted Elsa absently on the shoulder. "Gerda's gonna sit with you this morning while I'm working, and then I'll come back as soon as I can-"

"I don't need someone to sit with me, Anna."

"But I need it." Anna hugged Elsa once more, hoping that Elsa would feel all her love through the motion. "I love you. Please, don't ever doubt that."

Elsa was cold, but she hugged Anna back. "I won't."

* * *

><p>Anna hadn't noticed it in the night, but she was <em>furious<em>. And she didn't know why she was furious, though she supposed it was because her sister had tried to kill herself, and she was angry at Elsa, and herself, and at everyone because, really, Elsa was a _Queen_, how had no one noticed that she needed help?

_Why didn't you notice? _Anna asked herself as she grumpily signed documents_. I did. I just didn't think it was this bad-_

She sighed, her work coming to a halt, because she was equally angry with herself and with Elsa. Mostly Elsa. Especially Elsa.

"Damn it," she muttered, suddenly standing up, because she needed answers and she needed them now. This had gone on long enough, and she was sick of waiting. Elsa owed her an explanation, at the very least.

She stormed back to her room, fists clenched, holding in all her fury. She had been the pillar of calm all night, holding Elsa and placating her, and taking responsibility for everything. But holding in all that tension had become impossible, Anna was going to explode in a fit of mangled emotions and she was going to point it at Elsa.

"Elsa," she rounded the door, and stood in the middle of the room, eyes narrow.

Elsa had been sitting up in bed, absently flicking snowflakes from one hand to the other. She looked up when Anna came in, the snowflakes vanished and the temperature plummeted.

Gerda had been on 'Elsa watch', and she quietly got out of her seat and left the room. Anna would thank her for her discretion later, but now she was going to give Elsa a piece of her mind.

"I'm really angry," Anna began, because that seemed like a good place to start.

Elsa looked outside; Anna had no idea why she had done that. Elsa had been studying the position of the sun, because it was at its highest, its strongest, and suddenly here was Anna looking like a volcano about to erupt, and the thought almost made Elsa smile.

"You still haven't told me why, not properly. Why did you feel that there was no way out except for . . . for death? Why didn't you ask for help? Why didn't you ask _me_? You didn't even have to say much, just say 'help' and I would have been there. So, why, Elsa, why?"

Her words had been furious and quick, but her eyes were already watering and her hands were shaking from the effort she put into holding them still.

Elsa's sad gaze was pointed downwards; she didn't have the courage to look Anna in the eye. "Because . . . I didn't want to burden you with it. These were my problems, and I had already caused you so many. It didn't seem right . . . to add to it."

"But you hurt me. You hurt me so much; I was so scared when I found out what you had tried to do. I freaked, I panicked. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. Do you know how much that hurts, not _knowing_? I was afraid I would lose you, and it's the only thing I really fear."

Elsa shrugged, still keeping her gaze down.

"I told you that you didn't have to live in fear, because I understood. And I did, and _I do_, but you . . . now I'm the one living in fear, because I'm terrified that you'll do it again. Now I'm living every second _scared_, because I think you're going to hurt yourself. And I'd rather die than lose you. You know that. I've done it before.

"Don't make me live without knowing from day to day if I'm ever going to see you again. Don't make me wake up every morning wondering if it's a dream or a terrible reality. Don't make me do that again, I can't go back to that. Please, _please_ just talk to me. I'll carry any burden I have to, as long as you're with me. Elsa, I'd move mountains for you. I've _climbed_ mountains for you. Just don't, don't, shut me out." She took a deep breath, bit her lip. "Tell me anything. Tell me everything."

Finally, Elsa looked up. She wished she hadn't, because the look on Anna's face was so conflicted; anger and fear and desperation and longing, that she felt the ice inside her flicker, and a lump formed in her throat. But she had to talk through it, over it, because, really, Anna deserved that much.

"I . . ." She didn't know where to start; this had been going on for so long. She had been torturing herself for years, and now she had no idea how to explain it. She sighed. "I knew something was wrong . . . when I was about sixteen. You sat outside my door, and you were telling me a story, and you were laughing . . . but I just couldn't laugh. I remember that feeling. Like there was nothing there. It upset you. You didn't visit as frequently after that."

Anna remembered, too. She remembered the day she had pressed her ear against the door, hoping to hear Elsa laugh, like she often did. But there had been nothing.

Elsa continued unprompted. "Papa started research, and told me that I just . . . needed to focus on other things. Pretend it wasn't happening."

_Sweeping more problems under the rug,_ Anna thought, with a trace of bitterness. She loved her father, but he had made some incredibly stupid decisions, she thought.

"I tried. And I couldn't do that." That's when the helplessness had started. And Elsa had become so mixed up in concealing, not feeling, that she didn't know what was good and what was bad, which feelings were right, and which were wrong. "What was I supposed to do?"

Elsa sounded so desperate, so lost, that Anna had the feeling she had asked herself that same question for years, and never found a suitable answer.

"I just wanted it to go away. But the ice wouldn't leave, and the thoughts wouldn't leave, and there was no one to miss me-"

"What?" Anna interrupted, jaw dropping. "There was _me_, and Mama and Papa!"

"At that point . . . the first time . . . you had stopped coming to me. You weren't speaking to me. I knew you could manage without me. And Mama had taught you to be Queen, sort of, so Arendelle wouldn't suffer my loss. And Papa . . . well, he . . . No one would miss me."

"You've never been more wrong," Anna said, taking a few steps closer to her sister. "But . . . now. _Yesterday_. Elsa, I'm here and I . . . can't lose you."

The first tears started falling, and Elsa made no move to brush them away. She clenched her hands, eyebrows knitting together in a look of frigid concentration, because she didn't have the words to explain. "I . . . everything went wrong again."

"But you've been doing so well, for a _year_."

"No, I hadn't. I had been . . . bottling it up for a year. But there's only so much I can hide inside, and maybe that's less than normal people because I'm also full of ice-"

Anna clasped her hands together, feeling the anger finally fading, because Elsa was talking and that was a good sign, no matter how miserable she sounded.

"And I was scared of . . . everything."

"Tell me." Anna said softly. "What frightened you so much that you thought we couldn't fix it?"

"I . . . am scared that I can't do the job I've been trained to do my whole life. I'm scared that I'm disappointing Papa. I'm not what he wanted me to be. I'm not in control of myself, I'm not living up to everyone's expectations, and I don't understand some of the things that I'm _supposed_ to know."

"We can fix all that." Anna said, a trace of brightness creeping into her voice. "Elsa, we can fix everything."

"Don't you see?" Elsa said, and now her voice was full of anger, because Anna just didn't understand. "I'm _failing_ at everything. Everything I'm supposed to be, _I can't do any of it_. I can't even _live_ like I'm supposed to. I'm broken, I'm sick, and-"

Elsa's tirade was cut off as Anna surged forwards, grabbing Elsa in a tight, if somewhat awkwardly angled, embrace.

"I don't want you to see how weak I am," Elsa finished, her voice shaking.

"Oh, Elsa," Anna ran a hand through Elsa's hair. "I can't see any of that when I'm holding you."

**Um, excuse me, I just have to go and hug my sister again . . . Be right back.**

**SpicedGold**


	11. Chapter 11 - The Sun and The Moon

Chapter 11 – The Sun and the Moon

**Short chapter here, since it was part of a **_**loooong**_** conversation that went on forever, so I split it up for ease of reading. To make up for it, I'll update again tomorrow.**

"I thought you weren't letting Elsa out of your sight ever again?" Kristoff asked, his voice teasing, when Anna came to see him while he was harnessing Sven to the sled.

"She had a meeting. Kai's sitting in."

"Should she be working again, so soon?"

Anna shrugged. "It's means things can start getting back to normal. That's a good thing."

"So," Kristoff slung an arm over Sven's back. "What are you going to do?"

"I need some help, actually." Anna handed him a folded piece of paper. "Can you do something for me? And for her?"

"Anything." Kristoff tucked the paper into his sled.

"And, can you go see your family? I know they're love experts, and Elsa doesn't really have a love problem but she's got a _problem_ and maybe they would know something about how to help her?" She was rambling, because she was nervous, but Kristoff smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, no problem. Sven and I will stop off there tonight. Anything else?"

"Not at the moment. I think I've got everything in place to help Elsa, now."

"And who's helping _you_?" Kristoff asked.

"What?" Anna looked surprised that he would ask. "I'm fine. It's Elsa who needs-"

"Someone needs to take care of you too," Kristoff said, taking his arm off Sven and stepping closer to her. He touched a hand lightly under her chin, tilting her head up so she would keep her eyes on him. "You try so hard to hold up the world, but it's too much for one person. You need a safety net, too."

"I've got it all under control and-"

Kristoff effectively shut her up by pressing his lips to hers. She leaned forward into him, eyes sliding closed. He drew back with a smile. "Anna, take care of yourself."

"I will."

"Where will you be tonight? I'll check on you when I get home."

"I think I'll be with Elsa in her room," Anna said thoughtfully. "We're going to talk a bit more, and she prefers it when I'm the one watching her. Makes her less self-conscious."

"She's lucky to have you." Kristoff kissed her once more, fleetingly, and took a seat in the sled. "I'll see you tonight. By the way," he added, as Sven started trotting away, "I finished the gravestone."

"Thank you!" she shouted after him, feeling a weird pang of both love and sadness in her heart. She supposed there was no harm in going to Bae's grave and checking up on the calf.

She missed him. She missed how he used to press his face into her stomach and wag his tail when she fed him.

Kristoff had placed the stone at the base of the tree; it was a brown rock with one side flattened into a plane and Bae's name chipped out of the flat surface.

Anna sat down next to the grave, one hand on the brown rock. "Hi, Bae. How are you?"

There was, obviously, no answer, but Anna smiled to herself because it felt good to just talk.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't with you, at the end. I know you would have liked it if I was. But I was also kinda dealing with a lot. I still am. And I love you. I . . . I hope you're happy now. And safe."

She patted the rock absently, and ran her hand down the smooth front of the stone, fingers dipping into the letters of his name.

"I gotta go, Bae. I've got to check on Elsa. I'll bring you some flowers, when I come again."

She stood up, taking a moment to just stand there and smile, rather sadly, before she went inside again to seek Elsa out.

Elsa was still busy, so Anna went to her study to see if there was anything she could take care of. She had been trying hard to lighten Elsa's work load until they could finally get on the same page and figure out what they were going to do about Elsa's mental state. Anna was wavering between terrified for her sister's health and absolutely furious that Elsa would even think about things such as suicide, and sometimes she wasn't even sure which emotion she was feeling.

And since their last talk, Elsa had seemed fractionally calmer, but Anna wasn't foolish enough to assume that they were making any head way. Elsa could act normal for months at a time, and so far Anna's search through her father's notes on Elsa had not yielded much in the way of treatment.

She finished the work she had, then went back to the dusty book shelf and pulled out the book that looked most used. It had a loose sheet of paper in it, with what looked like a map, from Arendelle to somewhere; she didn't pay a huge amount of attention to it.

There were other sheets of paper tucked away, and she pulled those out. The first one she unfolded looked like a schematic for something.

"What on earth?" she said aloud, wondering what she had found. It looked like plans for manacles, but she couldn't fathom what they would be doing in the book. They must have been put there by accident.

"Hang on," Anna studied the plans a bit closer. There was a little note in the corner, in her father's handwriting.

_Must go over her wrists to keep her safe. Can see the fjord from the window._

_You were going to lock her up_, Anna thought, and at least this time she knew who the anger was directed towards. _You had no idea how to help her, did you? You were so busy concentrating on plugging holes that you never thought to see what was making them._

* * *

><p>Anna was waiting in Elsa's room, with the plans on her lap, sitting by the window because Elsa liked looking out the window and she was much less likely to shy away from Anna in this particular spot.<p>

"Hi."

"Hey, Elsa." Anna unfolded the plans, and held them up. "Did you know about these?"

Elsa's eyes flicked to the plans, once, then she focused on the window. She swallowed. "Yes."

"I think I understand you a bit better now." Anna refolded the paper. "If anything went wrong, that was the life you were going to lead, wasn't it?"

"It was a last ditch effort," Elsa said slowly. "If I couldn't get everything under control."

"And did he really think hanging that over your head would help?"

"It didn't matter."

"It did! It does!" Anna stood up, and Elsa immediately wrapped her arms around herself, unconsciously blocking Anna off. "It's not your fault. Don't you see, _this_ is why you felt that there was no way out. This is why you were so afraid of failing, because failing meant you would be locked away forever."

It wasn't even about failing, it was about freedom. Elsa's life had no way out, except for death. And that was something, at least, that she could control.

"Elsa, you don't have to be scared of that anymore." Anna said, softly, because Elsa looked like she was ready to bolt again. "You're in charge now. You can decide where your life goes."

"I don't even know what I want from life anymore."

"How about being needed? How about being loved? Is that enough?"

"But you _don't_ need me." Elsa didn't say it, but that had helped. She hadn't felt obligated to be alive.

Anna edged a bit closer. "That's where you're very wrong. Of course I need you. I'll always need you. We're family, and we complete each other." Almost close enough to touch now, but not reaching out. "I'm like the sun, and you're like the moon."

"The moon doesn't shine, it's not _necessary_-"

"The moon needs the sun. You can't see the moon without the sun. So, you need me. And you give me purpose, and hope. I need you too. It's us, Elsa, it's us against the world. You're not alone. The moon is never alone. The sun is always there, shining on it."

Anna reached out, took one of Elsa's cold hands in her own. She laced their fingers together. "I need you. Can I be the reason you wake up every morning?"

Elsa pulled away. "Anna . . . I just need some time to wrap my head around everything and decide what I want."

"But you want to live, right?" This, more than anything, haunted Anna's thoughts at all times. A paralysing fear that if she let Elsa out of her sight, she would never come back again.

Elsa looked at the paper still clutched in Anna's hand; she looked just as haunted as her sister. "I . . . think so . . ." It felt like the right thing to say, but Elsa was still feeling so hollow inside that even her ice wasn't making her feel complete.

"I'm finding reasons," Anna said, trying to sound reassuring but until there was no longer the threat of losing Elsa hanging over head she wasn't going to be her usual chipper self. "Trust me."

"I do." Elsa said, and she sounded sincere, her voice was raw with conviction. She lifted one hand, vaguely, gesturing towards Anna's shoulder, and Anna stayed stock still because she wanted this contact to come from Elsa alone, without any help.

Elsa let her hand rest, very, very lightly, on Anna's shoulder, biting her lower lip and keeping her eyes glued to her fingers because she didn't want to know what Anna was thinking. Her heart was racing because she was actually trying and succeeding. She was reaching out to Anna, and it might have been the bare minimum of a gesture but it was something.

"Thank you," Elsa said, sounding a bit stiffer than she had earlier. "For trying."

Anna raised one hand to rest it over Elsa's. "Wait 'til you see what I've planned. You're gonna love it."

"I hope so." Elsa smiled, and it felt strange. She hadn't done it in so long. She nodded slightly, eyes flickering around the room. "I've still got work to do. So . . ."

"We'll talk again later." Anna smiled brightly. "This evening, actually."

"Okay."

"I've just got some stuff that I need to do, so Kai's going to follow you around all day-" Anna chose to ignore it when Elsa winced, "- And make sure you keep safe. How is the arm, by the way?"

At the mention of her wounds, Elsa drew the affected arm against her stomach, and edged away from Anna. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?" Anna noticed the room getting a bit colder. "It's not hurting or anything?" And she should have really kept her mouth shut, and not pushed, but she couldn't help herself. She took a step forward, closing the distance Elsa had opened between them. "You know you've got to keep it clean and make sure that-"

"I'm late, for . . . something." Elsa seemed frustrated at her inability to come up with a plausible excuse. "I'll see you this evening." She was backing away, both arms now tucked around herself.

Anna was left standing alone.


	12. Chapter 12 - Two Steps Back

Chapter 12 – Two Steps Back

**Welcome to the most draining chapter to write - Elsa gets her head set straight. I battled through this, got stuck a dozen times, and ran out of words. So, if you think Elsa's got it tough, sympathy for the author please who had to figure out how to get all this across. If it's disjointed, I apologize.**

"You can see the sun rise from here." Anna leant back against the tree, one hand on the smooth brown stone. "Sunrises bring hope. It's a new day."

She was waiting for Elsa to be done, and for Kristoff to return. Until then, it was just her and Bae. There was still a hollow feeling in her chest, a heavy sadness that stemmed from losing the unconditional love of an animal.

"You depended on me, and I let you down." Anna patted the stone softly. "I was just supposed to keep you safe. And that shouldn't have been hard." She sighed. "Do you think that's how Elsa felt?"

Anna hoped not, because right now she felt slightly nauseated with a feeling of guilt, and there was a painful gap in her chest, and a weight in her stomach. All in all, it felt awful, and she wouldn't wish this on anyone. Certainly not for thirteen years.

"Oh, Bae, I'm sorry." She tilted her head back to look at the clear blue sky. "For everything. For letting you walk into danger."

She sighed again, feeling dull and heavy. The sun was starting to set, which meant Elsa should be finished soon and Kristoff should come back. Anna got to her feet, letting her hand linger on the stone.

"Bye, Bae. I'll come back and visit soon."

She went inside again, still feeling weighed down by the loss of her little reindeer calf, and trailed upstairs with less vigour than usual. She was on her way back to her room, to just sit and brood, when she passed by Elsa's room and noted that the door was open.

Anna peered inside. "Elsa?"

Elsa was standing by the window, she turned around when she heard Anna speak. "Hi."

"There's supposed to be a guard with you."

"I told him to leave."

"Why?" She regretted the question the moment she asked it, because she didn't want to know why. She wasn't ready to face that shock again, so soon.

Elsa bit her lip, and moved across the room, putting more distance between them and fiddling her hands together. "I just wanted to be alone."

Anna let out a breath, because Elsa seemed . . . contemplative, not hysterical.

Elsa rubbed the bandage on her arm, it was itching and uncomfortable and she was very aware of the wounds. She pressed her fingers against it, and the spike of pain made her stop and stare, because the sensation had not been altogether unwelcome.

Her eyes flicked to Anna, who was watching her every move, and she reluctantly let her injured arm go. She tried to start a normal conversation. "What were you doing?"

"I was visiting Bae." Anna answered without thinking, and as soon as she said Bae's name the room became frigid. Anna looked around, in case ice started springing up around her.

Elsa swallowed. "Oh."

"I was just making sure he was okay." Anna's eyes followed the motion of Elsa's hands, and noted the obsessive picking of the bandage. She forged ahead, half hoping that talking would ease Elsa's mind. "It's peaceful there. He deserves that. Some peace."

The bandage was loosening, and Elsa's thoughts were racing. She had caused his death. It was her fault; she had thought running away would be a workable option but it had caused the death of a very innocent reindeer calf.

It had caused the death of something Anna loved. Anna's heart was broken and it was Elsa's fault. She felt her breathing quicken, the wounds on her arm were too painful to ignore for long. She looked at Anna, and at the door, but she knew she couldn't run away again. She couldn't do anything.

An old thought came calling: she couldn't make her father proud. She couldn't be who she was supposed to be.

Somewhere in the deranged recesses of Elsa's mind she felt she had to punish herself for this inability to even function. And since Anna had slammed the door on the most tempting option, and made running away impossible, she ripped the bandage off her arm and clawed at the healing marks.

Smooth cuts opened easily, and soon it was bleeding again, and the blood leaking out carried a sick sense of relief with it. She slumped against the wall, hand clenched, eyes glued to the red streaks webbing across her pastel skin. She didn't hear Anna's frantic voice calling her name.

She ran her other hand through her hair, like she always did when things were just too much, and her bangs fell messily, forwards and sideways and hanging over her eyes.

"It should have been me," she said bitterly, quietly, sliding down the wall until she was down on her knees. Poor little Bae, he was just an innocent reindeer and she had been the reason for his death.

"Elsa!" There were too many emotions swirling in Anna's voice to find just one as a descriptor, and Elsa flinched as Anna approached. "What are you doing?"

She tried not to sound accusing, but there were only so many things she could think when her sister was on the floor and blood was spotting the carpet and her breath was heaving because life was just too much.

"Bae . . ." Elsa choked out, hoping that was enough of an explanation.

"What? What are you doing? You're bleeding-" Anna came closer, but stopped when several pillars of ice sprung up in front of her, and Elsa gasped, because she hadn't meant to do that. Anna backed off, her eyes narrowing. "Elsa."

She looked up, blue eyes dark and desperate, lower lip quivering.

"It's just you and me, Elsa. No one else. So tell me what's going on here." Anna's voice was shaking with ill contained rage because Elsa wasn't supposed to do this anymore. The betrayal hurt, it sent a spike of red hot pain jutting through Anna's chest. "What can this possibly achieve?"

Her eyes darted around the room; she had only one explanation, and to her muddled mind it sounded legitimate. She was failing horribly at every facet of her life, so she was going to finally do something right, and end it (and really, wasn't that just the icing on the cake because she had even failed at _that_, twice before). She was doing the right thing. She was doing the only thing she could, and she was right. "I just want Papa to be proud."

He would be, she reasoned. He would be so proud that she recognised her shortcomings and chose to do what was best for Arendelle. She was getting this right.

"Look what you've done to yourself, Elsa!" Anna shouted, the anger finally boiling over. She glared at her sister's bleeding arm, at the hair falling over her eyes to hide her away, at the icicles around them. "Would you be proud of that?"

Elsa closed her eyes, nervously, but opened them again because she needed to keep an eye on where Anna was. She gripped the wounds on her arm, fingers digging into the flesh and blood, and she didn't care if it hurt.

"Do you think that this is the kind of thing he wants to see? You're on the floor, you're on your knees and you're trying to _rip your own arm!"_

Elsa didn't need that pointed out, she already knew it all. But she was right . . . wasn't she?

"You need to snap out of it!"

"I can't!" Elsa finally found the strength to fight back. She scrambled up, used one hand to push her hair out of her eyes and glare at Anna. "I can't just switch it off, Anna, it doesn't work like that."

"Because you never try!"

"_I am!"_

"You're not! You're running away and hiding like you always do! And you shouldn't, because you've got people all around you who love you and want you to be okay."

"I'm not okay! I can't do this, Anna, I don't know how. I need help-" Elsa had to stop, because Anna's reaction was not what she was expecting. Her sister surged forwards, grabbing hold of Elsa and pinning them together, her face pressed into Elsa's shoulder. "Wh . . .?"

"You finally said it," Anna said, sounding a little bit muffled but nonetheless audible. "Don't you see? You _know_ you need help. You know there's something wrong."

"Of course there's something wrong with me-" It was glaringly obvious, Elsa thought.

"I wasn't sure it you understood that. Because . . . you know that you need to, um, recognise that there's a problem." _Admit that you're a wreck and you've reached the edge._

"Why aren't you angry at me?" Elsa sounded genuinely confused. "There's something _wrong_ with me-" _And it's my fault. It's always my fault and you should hate me._

"Nothing that we can't fix. And I am angry at you. I'm furious that it's taken you this long to realise that I will always be here for you. And that you don't have to run away or hide anymore, because I'm _here_ and we can face this thing together. I'm here for you."

"But why?" Elsa couldn't understand why anyone would want to take the time to help her, when she was so clearly a lost cause.

"Because my family is the most important thing in the world to me, and I'll do anything to keep you in my life." Anna was holding back tears, determined not to let them fall because Elsa needed her to be strong. "And you're loved so much more than you know."

"But-"

"Shut up. Just shut up. Elsa, please, I'm begging you," she barely kept the tears in check. "Let's fix this. I know we can, and I know it's the right thing to do."

"How do you know?" She wasn't questioning it; she needed to understand where Anna's blind faith came from.

"Because," Anna pulled away just enough to look Elsa in the eye, so she knew she was sincere. "I know how to _live_, so much better than you do. And I'll show you how."

Elsa stared at her, and the sheer, raw hope in Anna's eyes was impossible not to believe in, and she felt a little twinge of something inside – guilt? She wasn't certain, but she felt, right now, that she wanted to see more of that hope in Anna's eyes. Because Anna was more important to her than her own life, and she couldn't bear the thought of that spark – hope, love, optimism, faith, courage – going out because of her.

It had been easy to ignore when the doors were closed and she couldn't see it but now, with Anna staring into her eyes and unequivocally _there_, Elsa couldn't turn away.

"Okay, Anna." She took a deep breath, because this was almost too much to admit, but she desperately needed to see Anna smile. "I need you. I need your help."

There it was; the smile that Elsa wanted, the one which danced in her eyes and crinkled the corners of her mouth. The one that almost burst with love and longing. Anna's relief was staggering, but she managed to stay upright and mostly composed.

"Come with me," she took Elsa's hand in hers, unminding of the blood that lingered there. "I want to show you something."

Elsa was dragged through the castle, downstairs, where Kristoff looked like he had just walked through the door two seconds ago, with his hair windblown and messy. He stared at them, eyes drawn to the red streaking Elsa's arm. He did not, however, comment on it.

"Did you get everything?" Anna asked, keeping a death grip on Elsa while she hung at the end of Anna's arm.

"Yeah." He paused, then said carefully, "Uh, I don't know if you've noticed but well . . . There's a lot of blood there."

"She's fine, she needs to see this," Anna insisted, waving a hand around dismissively.

Elsa looked resigned to whatever it was that Anna wanted to show her.

"My room," Anna said, gesturing at Kristoff to follow, and turning to drag Elsa back upstairs again.

"Anna, can you let go?"

"No. You might escape."

"Escape?" It struck Elsa as an odd choice of words; it made it sound as though Elsa was Anna's captive. It was a little strange, to say the least. But . . . secure.

"Sit." Anna shoved Elsa towards her bed.

Elsa sat down without question, now suitably curious as to what Anna was planning. The blood was forgotten, drying on her hands.

Kristoff hovered in the doorway, no doubt made nervous by Elsa's presence. She felt exactly the same way, it was only Anna who was unaffected by the tension and grabbed the little bag Kristoff was holding, turned it upside down and shook out a pile of papers onto the floor.

She plonked herself down, cleared her throat, and explained loudly. "You gave me a list of all the things you think you're stuffing up."

Elsa wrapped her arms around herself, a crease forming between her eyebrows at the mention of all the problems she was having and perpetuating.

"I'm going to show you that you're wrong." Anna sounded immensely satisfied with herself. She selected a piece of paper at random. "You said that you don't know how to make Arendelle proud. You don't think you're good enough for it. To rule it. I asked Kristoff to go to people today, and ask them to write down just one word to describe you."

She held up the paper. "Can I read it to you?"

Elsa stayed perfectly still.

Anna smiled. "Powerful. Strong. Kind. Beautiful. Benevolent. There's a lot more. Two pages. This one said 'strong' again. And here, too. You see? Everyone thinks you can overcome anything."

She put both papers aside, searched through for the next sheet she needed. "You said you wanted to make Papa proud."

Now, Elsa shifted, looking uncomfortable, and she sent a pained look towards the door but Kristoff was blocking it.

"This is a list of the things Kai said Papa struggled with. Like knowing if he was doing the right thing. Like overcoming his own shortcomings. Like making sure Arendelle always came first. And you know what? It's the same as your list. 'Doing the right things for Arendelle'. 'Remaining strong even when he didn't feel it inside'. 'Trying to understand everything'. 'Trying to be the perfect monarch'. You and he were the same, Elsa. And you're dealing with so much more than he did." Anna had to pause, to swallow and wait for the lump in her throat to fade.

"Elsa, he would be so proud of you, for trying to overcome all of this. He would be so proud that you've had the strength to admit that you can't do everything alone. And maybe it took you a little longer than it should have because Papa wasn't here to tell you all his mistakes. But you being alive is _not_, and never will be, a mistake. I'm proud of you. Everyone is."

Anna swallowed again, kept her eyes down. "I asked Kai, since he was the closest to you, to also add a word to the list to describe you. He wrote a whole essay. I won't read the whole thing, because it's for you, but I just want you to hear someone say this."

She selected another sheet of paper, flicked her eyes to Elsa, then read, "'Your father's greatest fear was that he had failed you as a father. He felt that any mistakes you might make would be his mistakes. He felt that you were perfect for Arendelle, exactly what one looked for in a ruler. The last thing he said to me before he boarded that ship was 'make sure Elsa is safe'. It nearly tore him apart when you tried to kill yourself; he knew then that he was not the father he was supposed to be. He wanted to keep you safe, not only from yourself but from him'."

Anna sighed. "If only you two had talked more, maybe you would have understood that sooner."

She picked up the last piece of paper. "This is from me. I know you feel like what happened to Bae was your fault. It wasn't. You were scared, and you didn't mean it. Don't blame yourself. Please. I still love you, more than anything, and I want us to be together. Love thaws, remember, so whenever you feel out of control or scared just . . . just tell me. You're holding up the whole of Arendelle, and sometimes you need someone to help with that. It's going to be me. I'm going to help you more, we're going to split up the work you do. We're going to share it, like sisters should."

Anna stood up, handed the paper to Elsa.

It was an ink drawing of a familiar reindeer calf, looking happy and healthy and full of life.

Elsa stared at it, then turned blue eyes brimming with tears towards her sister.

"I know we can't fix this overnight," Anna said. "But everyone wants you to be okay, and everyone thinks you're doing a great job. Especially me. Do you understand that?"

Elsa nodded.

"People aren't perfect. You just gotta do the best you can. And I know you can."

There was a moment of tense silence, then Elsa set the drawing of Bae carefully down on the bed, and stood up. Anna was quicker than her, and flung her arms around Elsa before Elsa could do it first.

"Thank you," Elsa murmured into her ear. "For going through all this trouble just for me."

"I love you. You're worth it."

"I love you." Elsa held her tightly, and there was a smile tugging at her lips. She turned her face into Anna's shoulder.

"I can feel you smiling."

Elsa's smile broke into a sob, but for the first time in forever it wasn't one of desperation and helplessness. It was relief, and love, a little seed of happiness blossoming inside her chest, where none had been for so long.

"Anna?" Kristoff interrupted tentatively.

She looked over her shoulder at him, still keeping hold of Elsa.

Kristoff drew a little round sphere from his pocket; it looked like glass. "So, uh, while I was with my family . . . I got you this."

Curiosity got the better of Anna, she half let go of Elsa, still keeping one arm wrapped possessively around her sister, and reached out to take the sphere. She looked at it, frowning, and then her face lit up in delight. "What – Kristoff – what-"

"I got Grand Pappie to take my memories of you and Bae and put them in there." Kristoff explained, a little self-consciously.

The sphere glowed ever so slightly, and there were things floating in it. Anna looked a bit closer, she could see herself and Bae in miniature, walking together in the sunshine. Bae butting into her stomach, and her wrapping her arms around him. The little calf's tail wagging as he tugged at the bottle she was holding. Every time Kristoff had watched them was contained inside the sphere, an endless loop of Bae's short life with Anna.

She turned a look of pure wonderment up to Kristoff, and said in a breathless and awed voice, "Thank you."

"Yeah." Kristoff rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I thought you'd like it."

"Look at him, Elsa," Anna brought the sphere a bit closer, hugged Elsa a bit closer as well. Both sisters stared at it. "He's so happy."

Elsa touched the sphere tentatively, letting her fingers settle on the cool, smooth surface, and she was clearly thinking hard. Finally, she took a step away from Anna.

"Where are you going?" Anna asked.

Elsa gathered up the papers scattered around the room, putting the drawing of Bae on top. "There's something I need to do. Can I borrow that, for a minute?" She held a hand out, and Anna gently placed the sphere in Elsa's waiting palm.

"What are you going to do?"

"Five minutes," Elsa said. "Come to my room in five minutes."

"Okay." Anna looked puzzled, but she stayed where she was as Elsa left.

Kristoff came to her side. "What do you think she's planning?"

"No idea." Anna was not good at waiting, and after a few seconds she was already fidgeting. "Five minutes is a very long time."

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Kristoff asked, staring at the open door.

"I do," Anna let out a breath. "I think she'll be okay, with time. She just needed someone to open her eyes and show her how the rest of the world saw her. Elsa's been closed up for so long I think she forgot that other people matter too. And she matters to them."

Elsa's world had been a single room behind a closed door.

Now, the doors were open and Elsa had a whole new world to discover.

"That must be five minutes," Anna said, mere moments later. "Come on." She pulled Kristoff with her, rushing to Elsa's room. The door was not quite closed, and Anna knocked gently. "Is the five minutes up yet?"

"You can come in." Elsa answered.

Anna practically leapt into the room, then stopped dead and just stared.

Elsa had the sphere in both hands, a little smile on her face, as she looked from the dancing memories to the spot on the floor Anna was staring at.

There was a little white reindeer calf there, slowly blinking eyes of ice blue.

"You made me a snow reindeer," Anna breathed.

"He's got these memories in him, like Olaf has our childhood memories." Elsa explained, lifting the sphere slightly.

Anna took a step forward.

The white calf moved, uncertainly, snorting and blinking and discovering the awe of being alive.

Anna opened her arms, slowly, and knelt down and the white calf snuffled, blowing perfect snowflakes from his nose. He butted her in the stomach, and he was soft and cool. Anna closed her arms around him, and his tail started wagging. "Is he mine?"

"He's a promise," Elsa said, and when Anna gave her a looked that said she didn't understand, Elsa added softly. "If I'm alive, he's alive. And I'll never take him away from you twice."

**Now, I'm going to go away for the weekend to pretend I'm relaxing, and get my mind off all the crap that's going on right now. Final chapter will be up on Sunday night when I come home.**

**SpicedGold**


	13. Chapter 13 - Doors

Chapter 13 - Doors

**Final chapter of Opening the Doors, as promised, as soon as I returned from my mini-holiday. I'm nursing sun burnt shoulders, with the skin rubbed off both knees from galloping horses on the beach, so, totally worth it! I'm uploading now before trying to turn my hair from a sandy dreadlock into what it was before (Ah, what I wouldn't give to have hair like Elsa) Enjoy.**

Nobody was perfect. It had been foolish to think anyone was.

But everything Elsa had seen had showed her that her father was the perfect leader – strong, but kind. Powerful, but not malevolent. He had an answer for everything. He had a solution to every problem.

But now she could see that not all those solutions were perfect, not all those problems had been solved. And she didn't have to be perfect: she just had to be _better_.

It wasn't easy.

She didn't just decide that everything was fine and she was completely happy. There were bad days where she stared at the scars on her arm and the fingers on the other hand twitched and snow fell, but whenever those thoughts came back, she took them to Anna.

And even if it was in the middle of the night, Anna would hold her and they would talk, and gradually Elsa would remember that there was nothing insurmountable in this world. For now, though, Anna wasn't asking questions. While she wondered, almost every day, what Elsa had done to herself the first time, she didn't ask. Some doors were better left unopened.

When the time was right, Elsa would tell her.

Anna made it a personal mission to make sure she saw Elsa laugh at least once a day. And even if she didn't feel like laughing, the fact that Anna was _trying_ would make Elsa's heart flutter with love and joy, and it helped.

"We're taking Bae to visit Kristoff's family," Anna announced one morning, popping into Elsa's study. "So I won't be home until dinner."

"That's fine." Elsa offered her sister a smile, and even that was getting easier.

"Have you got everything under control for the day?" It had been baby steps, getting Elsa to open up and accept help. She was as stubborn as Anna, and her initial reaction to any sort of intervention had been 'I can do this alone'. Anna's argument was that she didn't have to.

"Yes," Elsa nodded. "And I'm meeting with the head of council later to go over the things I'm not entirely sure about."

"We're going to bring chocolate back with us, so don't eat too much, or you won't have room for desert and I'll eat it all myself."

"Bye, Anna," the smile was laced with fondness. "Keep safe."

"Sure, sure." Anna gave a slight wave, then disappeared.

Elsa continued to work in silence, glancing up once in a while to look at the framed drawing on her desk, of a little reindeer calf. Her smile faltered only slightly; the thought of him was still painful, but now it was eased by the knowledge that Anna had another Bae to love and cherish.

And this one couldn't be hurt.

Elsa opened a drawer in her desk, and took out a few pieces of paper, rolled up and tied with a blue ribbon. She got up, and left her study.

Kai was downstairs, and he greeted her brightly. "Good morning, Queen Elsa. Going somewhere special?"

"Very special," she replied.

He accepted her answer without comment, and she glided past him and outside.

This time, when she walked, she didn't feel her heart hammering. Her breath didn't shorten. She didn't feel mortified.

She stopped in front of the gravestones, and untied the ribbon around the papers. "Papa. Mama."

The stones did not look as imposing as they had been the previous time she had been there. Now they were homely, and reassuring in their solidity.

"You were afraid that you'd failed me." She said, and she moved to her father's stone and sat down, leaning her back against it. "And I was afraid that I'd failed you. We thought the answer was closing doors and shutting everyone out. But it wasn't. And you know what? You didn't fail." She rustled the papers. "This is a list Anna got for me. She asked a lot of people to write down just one word to describe me. Listen to what they said: strong, beautiful, proud, kind. And a whole lot of others."

She leant against the stone, head tilted back to look at the sky. "I let you down. I let my emotions control me, and I nearly broke Anna's heart again. I'm broken and sick, but I'm trying so hard to do better. Every day. And I think, I really do, that you'd be proud of me if you could see me _now_."

She sighed. "I'm going to be who I was born to be: Queen Elsa of Arendelle. And I'm going to rule it better than you did, because I'm going to learn from your mistakes. Closing doors was one of them. Concealing was another. So now, I'm opening the doors and letting go."

* * *

><p>"What's that?" Anna asked at dinner, looking suspiciously at her sister when she entered the room.<p>

Elsa was already sitting at the table, waiting for Anna's return, fidgeting with something clutched in her hands.

"If that's a sharp object, I'm going to wrestle it from you and throw it in the fire." Anna plonked herself into her seat. A flurry of white galloped up and tried to jump onto her lap.

"Bae, you can't sit on me now," Anna protested, trying to lift the snowdeer onto the floor again. He pushed his head into her chest, ears flicking, and remained where he was. Anna looked at Elsa, wondering if there would be any sort of repercussions for having a reindeer on her lap at dinner.

The rules were slightly different for reindeers made of snow, and Elsa said nothing.

Bae turned and rested his white chin on the table, his ice blue eyes on Elsa's hands.

"Come on," Anna said. "What'cha got there?"

Elsa placed her closed fist on the table, then slid the object in her hand across to Anna.

Anna caught it, and picked it up. "This is a key."

"I know."

"Key to your heart? Aren't you meant to save that for a prince?"

"Key to my room," Elsa said, and Bae sneezed snowflakes all over the table.

Anna stared at her.

Elsa shrugged, but the magnitude of the gesture was massive. She looked at Anna, and clasped her hands together primly. Her voice was steady, but the words she spoke were life changing. "Now you're the only person who can lock my door."

The End.

**So, this was quite the venture from my usual writing genre. There are one or two unanswered questions in here, because this story has a sequel in the works. I'll be uploading that once the first few chapters are done. Thanks, as always, for reading, reviewing, etc.**

**SpicedGold**


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